It’s really difficult when you find out that the person you care about is cheating on you. The first thing to remember is that it is never your fault and you have done nothing to cause this. Men who cheat are taking advantage of their dominant role in society and availing of male privilege that enables them to cheat easily and without repercussion. However, we believe that if women can identify, avoid, and stop enabling this behaviour, men will have to change.
Anything anyone says could potentially be a lie; but based on our personal experiences and field research, we have compiled common LIES used by cheaters in the first of a 3-part series revealing the habits and behaviours of men who cheat. Part 2 is BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS & OTHER EVIDENCE, followed by the final part, PSYCHOLOGY.
How to Tell if Your Man is Cheating on You Part 1: LIES
We’ve noticed that cheaters generally use a combination of basic, one-liners, and elaborate lies involving multiple people and locations that may be difficult to comprehend or believe. However, lies generally fall under one or more of the following categories:
Note: We are aware of the fact that the use of the following phrases may not always be dishonest. However, we have irrefutable evidence that the real life examples below have been used in cases of infidelity. Remember: actions speak louder than words and the identification of lies is part of a process which should also include analysing other behaviours.
I had to do a few things
I’ve been busy
I had to pick something/someone up
Shit hit the fan
Madness, trust me.
You don’t know what I’ve been through
I had to sort something out
I had to leave town for the weekend
I’m looking after my children
I’m chillin with my cousins/bredrin/homies
I’m with my parents/grandparents for church/Sunday dinner
My friend needs some help /car broke down/is going through drama
I’m just at home writing/working
I’m in/going studio
I’m working late/really tired/busy at work
I’m going away for a trip/training course/weekend
My phone was off/on silent
I lost my phone/My phone broke
My battery died
My battery’s broke/The battery fell out my phone
I lost my SIM/My SIM card’s broke
I didn’t have/lost my charger/my charger’s broke
I’m out of minutes
I’m out of credit
I don’t keep my phone on me
I didn’t check/hear/see my messages/missed calls
I didn’t receive the message/missed call
I don’t do phones
I don’t like technology
Note: A Brother of Resistance once said to us, “Sistas, if any of these excuses were true, the streets of every city would be full of broken phones and lost SIM cards.” Laugh if you want. But he’s right.
We are not saying these are *always* lies; we are saying that they have been used frequently and in various combinations by men who were cheating. Men who cheat often tell women what they think we want to hear.
These may take place in daily texts, e-mails, FB messages, BBMs, or face-to-face contact. Warning: their frequency and/or intensity does not mean they are not lies.
You’re so beautiful/pretty/sexy/hot or creative/intelligent/special/exceptional (These are all true. You are these things otherwise he wouldn’t be saying them. But be cautious if he makes you feel like he’s the only person who thinks like this, and don’t rely on him for your self- esteem.)
Calls you babe/baby/bb/bbz/princess/gorgeous/darling/sugar/sweetness/queen etc
You’re on my mind
I’ve can’t stop thinking about u
I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I saw you
I dreamt about you/woke up thinking about you
I miss you
I hope this day brings you all you need and deserve
I want you to be my girlfriend, so I’m going to start being honest with you
I love you (but doesn’t show it)
This is the largest section of lies, because Lies About The Future cannot be disproven. However, in our experience, these are lies because they rarely ever come true, and are usually attempts to please or placate you so you believe future lies.
I’ll holla at you later/call you back (This is perhaps the most common lie. Ever.)
I’m gonna come see you soon (2nd most common lie.)
I’m going to take you out (for a meal/dance/rave/concert/cinema)
I’m going to pay you back
I want to move in/live with you
I want you to move in/live with me
I’m gonna take you on holiday
I’m going to take you to meet my mum/children/family
I want to marry you
I want you to have my kids
I want to run away with you
I want to spend my life with you
I never wanna be with anyone else
I’m going to start treating you how you deserve to be treated
You know you’re wifey material, I’m going to start treating you like it
I’m going to leave my girlfriend/wife for you
I want you in my life forever
I can’t imagine my life without you
I need you in my life
I need you — you can make me a better person
It should be noted that these are attempts to divide us as women and only work if we allow them to play us off against each other. We are stronger if we don’t let them.
Exceptionally skilled cheaters might appear to be slightly honest about their relationships with other women in their attempts to deceive you. Don’t fall for this either.
I talk to her/I see her sometimes but I don’t fuck her
We’re just friends (very common)
She’s my cousin/friend’s baby mum/work colleague
I was only talking to her to promote my music/because of work
She’s my ex, but I really like you (followed by any combination taken from the “Lies of Affection” and/or “Lies About the Future” section)
Me and my ex are my having problems/going through a rough time
Me and my girlfriend are growing apart
Me and my girlfriend always argue
She don’t understand me, you’re different/special
I think I’m gonna split up with her — she might not be my girlfriend/wife soon…
She came on to me first (This is a Lie Upon Being Found Out)
I’ve been tired/hung over/ill
My car broke down/had a car accident
I got lost/into beef/arrested
I fell off a motorbike and broke my phone (Also a Mobile Phone-Based Lie)
I got locked in a hotel room overnight and had to break the door down (WTF?!?)
As lying, cheating men are most desperate to maintain their lies upon having been found out, in this scenario, expect to see them use all of the above types of lies in combination. We have noticed a large overlap between Lies About Other Women and Lies About Being Found out. For example: “She’s lying cause she’s jealous” is a common example of both. Also, “My friend used my phone to send that text to his girl” is an example of a Mobile Phone-Based Lie, a Family/Friend-Based Lie and has also been used as a Lie Upon Being Found Out.
When you confront cheating men they may become angry and/or violent against you and others. They often try to blame you for their actions and have also been seen to go completely silent and refuse to answer any questions. These are all signs that they are lying. If they try to evade questions, change the subject or make you back down, they are cheating.
She’s lying cause she’s jealous
She’s lying cause she wants to take me away from you
She’s just a friend/cousin/friend’s girlfriend etc
My friend used my phone to send that message
My friend is cheating on his girlfriend and he did it
What did you expect me to do? You were too busy for me/always stressin me/on your feminist thing (or in any way tries to make it your fault. These are all LIES).
I wasn’t there/I don’t know her/I don’t know what you’re talking about (examples of outright denial)
It wasn’t me. I swear.
We publish this in the hope that it will be useful to fellow women who are looking to avoid interactions with and/or remove cheaters from their lives. We will add to this list as we uncover more lies.
We invite you to add examples of lies from your own experience in the comments section below. Stay strong. Don’t believe the lies.