There are so many kinds of awful men –
One can’t avoid them all. She often said
She’d never make the same mistake again;
She always made a new mistake instead.
The chinless type who made her feel ill-bred;
The practised charmer, less than charming when
He talked about the wife and kids and fled –
There are so many kinds of awful men.
The half-crazed hippy, deeply into Zen,
Whose cryptic homilies she came to dread;
The fervent youth who worshipped Tony Benn –
‘One can’t avoid them all,’she often said.
The ageing banker, rich and overfed,
Who held forth on the dollar and then yen –
Though there were many more mistakes ahead,
She’d never make the same mistake again.
The budding poet, scribbling in his den
Odes not to her but to his pussy, Fred;
The drunk who fell asleep at nine or ten –
She always made a new mistake instead.
And so the gambler was at least unwed
And didn’t preach or sneer or wield a pen
Or hoard his wealth or take the Scotch to bed.
She’d lived and learned and lived and learned but then
There are so many kinds
poem by Wendy Cope, b. 1945
Under patriarchy, expectations of monogamy and compulsory heterosexuality mean women are conditioned from childhood to be on the lookout (or compulsively searching) for “the one,” her “soulmate,” or Mr. Right. This is a fantasy induced by a combination of Disney princesses, white dresses and storybook weddings, as well as social and cultural influences, public discourse, mass media and celebrity culture. What this means is that many of us are so eager to get married, and so conditioned to be the damsel in distress or unconditionally self-sacrificing for “love,” we often overlook some basic things that illustrate how, far from being a prince or knight come to rescue you, your intimate partner may be in fact dangerous to your sense of self, your individual identity and your independent thought. You do not need rescuing, and no one should make you feel that you do. If any man in your life exhibits the below behaviours, he is at worst an abuser or at best an emotional/financial drain; you are better off without him. In particular, don’t marry him. He is so not worth it. See also: How to Leave a Bad Relationship.
12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry Him
- He interrupts what you are doing to demand his dinner. He demands his dinner. He seems to think his dinner is your priority/responsibility.
- He interrupts what you are doing to demand anything.
- He expects things from you he wouldn’t do for you, and doesn’t do himself – e.g. washing his clothes, caring for his children, paying for or “helping” him with his large bills/expenses. He does not share equally in what would be the tasks of a marriage.
- His “affection” is always aggressive and only manifests when he wants something. He withholds attention, and if he does give it, he expects/requires you to respond positively to his advances. Sisters of Resistance place coercion on the spectrum of sexual harassment, assault and rape. In our experience coercion is common and we call it when we see it. (In the case of rape, help is available. International Resources)
- He cuts you off from your friends and family. Tactics may include: judging your friends and relatives, telling you who he likes and doesn’t like, or who you are allowed to see and when, if at all. (See: Narcissist Abuser).
- He has cheated on you. Or when you got together, he was cheating on someone else.
- He doesn’t have a life. (See: Peter Pan Man)
- He puts you down, ridicules, or degrades you. This wears away at your self-confidence while keeping you trying harder to win his love. He may say he is just joking, but that shit ain’t funny. (Men have sayings that relate directly to this one: “Treat her mean, keep her keen” UK / “You treat a girl like dirt, she’ll stick to you like mud “ USA) (See: Narcissist Abuser).
- He is always negative/moaning/feeling sorry for himself. He expects you to carry this emotional burden.
- He only speaks badly of his exes and past relationships, painting them always as being in the wrong. He accepts no responsibility for the ending of past relationships and breakups. (He probably doesn’t accept much responsibility anyway.)
- If he already has kids, and he has not raised them well, why would you (possibly) want to make more with him?
- If things have only gotten worse since you moved in together, why get married and make that shit permanent? Continue reading
Sisters of Resistance would like to cross post this brilliant article from the current conscience on the power and domination men have in society and their decision to use this power to selectively, and insensitively, not text back the women in their personal lives. We have found this article both useful and very relevant. We feel readers may enjoy the below in conjunction with our articles on “Mobile Phone Based Lies” and the types of men we are advised to avoid.
Originally posted by Yashar Ali on 12-12-2011 here || Like Yashar’s fb page ||Follow Yashar on Twitter
There’s no doubt that the primary way in which we now communicate is via text-message, email, and social media. Phone calls have fallen by the wayside.
Electronic communication has changed the dynamics of how we interact, creating both benefits and problems.
One problem that continuously arises in romantic relationships is the way in which men control the conversation by selectively ignoring texts and emails.
I like to call this behavior cafeteria responding.
That’s right. Just like when you go to a cafeteria, and walk around, picking and choosing what you want to eat, men who engage in cafeteria responding are also picking and choosing the messages and responses that appeal to them most. Leaving you hanging…