How to Tell if Your Man is Cheating: Part 3 – Psychology

To complete our How to Tell If Your Man is Cheating series, Sisters of Resistance have compiled information on the psychological and emotional profiles of men who cheat, based upon real-life experiences collectively referred to as relationship field research. In this article, we answer the questions:

         “What kind of man cheats?”

         “How does the cheating show up in his emotions?”

         “What are the structural inequalities that enable men to cheat?”

         “What does this mean for me?”

We hope these insights will help our readers to identify cheating men, as well as reveal why, if they have been cheated on, it is not their fault.

Part 1: LIES

Part 2: Behavioural Patterns and Other Evidence

How to Leave a Bad Relationship, Part 2: Splitting Up – Do’s and Don’ts

Disentangling two lives is not an easy process, nor can we expect it to be instant.  This “Splitting Up – Do’s and Don’ts” provides some recommendations for the period of time it takes you, whether suddenly or gradually, to remove your ex from your life.

Do’s

DO articulate, clearly and honestly, the reasons why you are splitting up. You can be somewhat general (e.g. This relationship isn’t working/healthy/satisfying my needs; I don’t feel loved/respected in this relationship) but also be direct and specific enough for them to know you have made up your mind.

DO delete their number from your phone. See Part I: Cutting Communication.

If you have a smartphone, DO install an application (e.g. Mr. Number Call Blocker) to prevent them from reaching you.

DO take all their stuff (clothes, shoes, records, skateboards, etc.) out of your space (room, house, car, office). Stuff holds memories and easily invokes emotions that can interfere with the splitting-up process. It can also be used as an excuse for them to come back (see also: Alpha Male). If they don’t come back for it, inform them where you will be leaving it should they wish to pick it up (à la Fe-mail #2: Property).

DO start planning and carrying out your day-to-day activities free from them and their influence. Remember how good it feels to make decisions that make you happy, without worrying about what someone else wants to do.

DO take them off the pedestal. You might be tempted to reminisce about the way they look, smell, dress, or do certain things, but ultimately this is time wasted. And who wants to waste any more time on a bad relationship?

DO replace contacting them with an alternative. You have to learn to kick the habit. While some may use the rubber band-on-the-wrist tactic, we prefer positive reinforcement. Even deep breathing can be a positive exercise, if you consider with each breath how much better oxygen is for you than the toxic relationship you have now left.

DO acknowledge that it’s going to take you some time to extract yourself from your relationship. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself cry, then, as best you can, get some fresh air, exercise, stretch, breathe and allow yourself to physically, mentally, and emotionally relax. Tell yourself that you will find happiness again. And that true happiness really does come from self-love.

DO put yourself first, and remember, this is for the best.

Don’ts

DON’T be vague as to your reasons why you are ending the relationship. DON’T give them false hope for getting back together in the future when this is not your intent.

DON’T let them persuade you once you have made up your mind to make the split. This may be very difficult, especially when you are dealing with sweet-talkers or other manipulative people. But trust the instincts that told you that this was not working, and be firm.

DON’T let them make you feel guilty or bad for splitting up with them. They do not deserve more of your time, attention or care. They are not worth it.

DON’T blame yourself. As much as you may be tempted to reminisce on your ex’s good qualities during this time, you may also be inclined to forget your own. Resist this temptation as much as you can. If anything, reflect on the ways they made you feel low, inadequate, or unloved. Then tell yourself why you deserve better next time. And there will be a next time.

DON’T overdo it on the coping mechanisms. Whether it’s running, shopping, food, alcohol, ganja or another substance, some things can make us feel good temporarily but are shit when overdone or in the long run. If you know or suspect you have a problem, help is available.

DON’T contact them, or respond to them reaching out to you. Use the strategies we have outlined, like the Par List, to keep yourself from speaking to them. We understand you may slip up. But adherence to the guidelines ensures the greatest chance of success.

DON’T meet up with them and don’t make plans together. This may be extremely difficult, especially if you have friends, groups, and children in common. But the more you see your ex on a romantic basis (no make-up sex!), the harder it will be for them to stay your ex and the longer it will take for you to get over them.

DON’T tie your sense of self-worth to this one relationship. Just because you are not with your ex anymore doesn’t mean you are not desirable and/or lovable. You are lovable. You are so lovable, in fact, that you should show yourself some love by ending this bad relationship once and for all.

Read on – Part 3: Moving On

Back to Part I: Cutting Communication

Sisters of Resistance Terminology Toolkit

 

Because we form our thoughts through language, in order to envisage and build a new world, we need to develop a new vocabulary. Sisters of Resistance have begun this process by collecting  our terminology into this resource, covering four areas: vocabulary, useful phrases, acronyms and translations, for use in challenging patriarchy and putting feminism into practice in your daily life.

How to Leave a Bad Relationship – Part 1: Cutting Communication

Because patriarchy makes women feel unworthy or unlovable especially if we are single, many women who are in bad relationships end up staying with partners who don’t deserve them.  We may blame ourselves for the ways in which our relationships are failing.  We can come to rely on the relationship for our self-esteem or even our identity.  We can fall in love with the romantic idea of being in love, even if it doesn’t correspond to reality. All of this makes it even harder for us to leave.  In this guide, we explore the steps it will take to end a bad relationship and move on.

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, this article is for you.

• Do your interactions often leave you feeling angry, hurt, or upset? Unfulfilled, disrespected, or unloved?
• Do you regularly have arguments, the underlying issues of which are left unresolved?
• Does your partner display the same behavior patterns over and over without making any lasting effort to change?

Fe-mail #2: Property

Sista Resista was in a sort of ‘relationship’ with J for over six months and has been regrettably seeing him now for nearly a year. He was inconsiderate, unreliable and selfish, a typical Alpha Male. He left Sista waiting around for him for hours/days; she never knew if/when he was really coming round when he said he was. This was one of the many ways he controlled her and the entire relationship.

He would always leave items of clothing in the house and without her knowledge he left a jacket after they had split up and she thought she had given him back all his stuff. As he had left it without her knowledge, when he asked for it (a pretence to come round) she said she didn’t have it.

Recently she found the jacket and texted him after a month of not talking. His response triggered the negative emotions he caused her during the relationship and she decided she no longer wanted to see him to give him the jacket back. He responded to this decision by saying he would “kick down [her] door” and by repeatedly calling her a “fucking idiot” and asking if she is “fucking sick in the head” among numerous other threats and insults.

This is the last exchange (by text):

J: Scorn!!! Look at your 1 st txt your a joker can’t believe you tried it. My property isn’t something you should be trying to use as some tool. Never had that kind of shit from no one so please dont try be the 1 st, dont make sense. So would like to know when I can collect please coz I did ask from time now. If not let me know so can sort something.

SR: I am not using it as a ‘tool.’ Your vague response that you would holla when your about at some undetermined point in the future triggered negative emotions and brought back sad memories of me waiting around for you in the past. A subject weve spoke about alot. And about which you have agreed your behaviour has been inconsiderate and unfair. Following the threats, aggression and verbal abuse you subjected me to on the phone, I am uncomfortable meeting you. But in the interests of returning your property I will try to arrange something with my housemate or downstairs neighbour.