Part 2 in the Sisters of Resistance “How to Tell if Your Man is Cheating” Series focuses on a number of common tells in the behaviour of the cheaters we have encountered, especially in the ways they act around available women, and in many of their social patterns and communication habits. We present our growing list of findings here below for the benefit of women who may use them, along with their own judgment, to assess overall behaviours and avoid cheating men.
PART 2: BEHAVIOURAL PATTERNS AND OTHER EVIDENCE
A. Behaviour Around Women
SoR have noted in our extensive field research that men who cheat treat women in a similar manner. So if you want to know how he’s going to act with new women to whom he is attracted, think back to how he operated with you when you first met. This may be indicative of his typical behaviour patterns.
If he had a girlfriend when you first met and he still got down with you, he is a cheater. It is unlikely that he made an exception for you. Do not ignore this evidence.
If he tried to get to know your body before your brain, this is most likely the way he operates with other women. A guy who will move to you the first time you two are alone has done this before, and will do it again.
If he ramps up the intensity of the relationship in the early days with pet names, affectionate texts/calls that seem too early or otherwise out of place, he is working to get you hooked on him. This is typical of the Player type (for more, see 5 Types of Men to Avoid: The Player).
If over time he is unable to sustain this level of affectionate interaction with you, he may be working on hooking someone new.
Ask him about past relationships. Surprisingly, men who cheat will often be honest about cheating on past girlfriends. This does not mean he has changed and this does not mean he will not cheat on you. (NB: If you are dealing with a Player, he will not admit this information.) Be especially cautious if he tells you that he is “working on changing” or “trying to be better.”
If he blatantly checks out other girls when you are with him, be on your guard. This also applies if you are speaking with him on the phone and he will not say your name. You are likely dealing with a cheater, and not an especially skilled one, either.
B. Social Patterns
If he has a group of male friends who often cheat, it is highly likely that he also cheats. Ask him what kind of relationships with women his male friends have and listen very closely to the reply.
If the amount of time he spends with you decreases dramatically and/or the amount of attention he pays to you increases dramatically for no apparent reason, he is most likely cheating. The likelihood of his cheating increases if these two tells are seen at the same time.
If he develops a new hobby out-of-the-blue or suddenly starts going to the gym / caring more about his looks/clothing, he could be trying to attract / impress someone new.
If he is too quick to offer explanations/alibis re: where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with (especially if you haven’t asked), he has been preparing to deceive you. If this explanation seems sudden, outlandish or strangely unbelievable (see: Exceptional Circumstance Lies), you can be certain he has been cheating.
Be very wary of men who spend a lot time flirting or “getting to know” women online, by text, for “business purposes,” via BlackBerry messenger/whatsapp/anyother messenger service. Men who are very flirtatious with the women in their lives may extend this ego-boosting behaviour to cheating.
C. Other Evidence (See Also Part I: LIES)
Random Facebook “likes” or comments from females
New female “friends” on FB regularly
Heavy chatting activity (flirting on FB all the time in front of you – some cheaters have no shame)
Very guarded with FB usage (never on FB in front of you, never leaves himself logged in)
E-Mails/Other Internet Usage
Never checks email in front of you
Closes any website/window as soon as you walk into the room (one-off or habitually, it’s suspicious).
Texts/Messengers/Mobile Phone Usage (See also Part 1: Mobile-Phone-Based Lies)
Furtive or secretive texting or phone calls
Always takes his calls out of the room or out of your earshot
Often “misses” calls on purpose when around you (may be accompanied by a covering statement to lead you astray: “It’s my cousin. I’ll call him back later”).
If he does answer, says “I’m with a friend” or something similar, never mentioning your name.
Doesn’t answer phone all night. When approached the next day he says he was asleep, phone was dead/on vibrate, or he left it somewhere.
Many men are skilled at leading women on or maintaining contact for potential cheating via text or BBM and are quick to cover their tracks by deleting messages they send. If you see flirtatious texts from other women, do not assume the conversation is one way.
Earrings that are not yours, found in his home or car. He may even call you to ask if a pair of earrings are yours, and when you say they are not, backtrack to say they may be guys’ earrings anyway.
Empty condom wrappers that he did not use with you in a bag that belongs to him.
A hotel receipt in a bag that belongs to him, for a hotel stay at which you were not present.
A cinema ticket for a film you didn’t see with him.
When confronted with this type of physical evidence, he may come up with an impromptu lie, e.g. “It’s not mine, it’s my friend’s.” These lies may be more complex depending upon how desperate he is to disguise the cheating (See also: Lies Upon Being Found Out).
Do you know men who cheat?
We are soliciting other examples of behaviour, social patterns or other evidence you’ve seen in men who cheat to help us expand this article and provide additional examples for women to use to assess their own situations. Leave them in the comments and we’ll add them to the list.