Sisters of Resistance and our wider network of female friends have been disappointed with the types of men who, we discovered, fit into the below categories. In this article, we describe their dominating and emotionally manipulative behaviour and outline their likes, dislikes, characteristics, skills and phrases so that you can easily identify and avoid them.
However, this list is not exhaustive — there are many more dangerous types of men, including combinations of the below. With this in mind, SoR presents:
4. The Gangsta
The player is smooth, charming and the epitome of a ladies’ man. He seems to have a knack for knowing just what to say and when to say it, often making you wonder whether or not he is too good to be true. If you wonder this, trust your gut — this is likely the case.
LIKES Himself, Women, Intimacy, Being the Object of Attention/Desire
DISLIKES Facebook (Baitbook), Being Caught Playing
Often has (or talks about having) expensive/fast cars, mentions houses, holidays, music videos, new jobs/business ideas that never seem to appear. Special attention paid to how he dresses/looks/smells, etc. Funny, witty. Likely to be the one to ramp up the intensity of the relationship first but will never be the one to bring up relationship-related topics.
Flirting – a.k.a. Game. Includes sweet-talking, teasing, winding or buttering you up. Works hard to convince you he is your dream come true. Depending on his lifestyle he may be better at this via text/e-mail/phone than in person.
Quasi-listening – May appear to be a patient listener but rarely responds in depth to anything you say. Changes the subject soon after you have expressed your thoughts to something that is more interesting to him, or a topic over which he feels he has more command and control.
Sex – The Player is often abnormally good in bed, and may even appear to know how to read your body, contributing to the illusion that you are meant to be together. If you encounter someone with these unusual skills, proceed with caution.
A. for himself: “God’s gift to women,” an “artist” or “poet,” “The Man”, uses $ in his name
B. for you/other women: darling, babe, princess, sexy (see also: Lies of Affection)
The Abuser/Narcissist starts out loving and charming but in time begins to break down your confidence, separates you from your friends, and family, and becomes emotionally or physically abusive. They want their victim to be willing to endure their abuse and to label this willingness “love.” They are extremely possessive, jealous, and controlling and will go to any lengths to prevent you from ending the relationship. They will blame you for all of this behaviour.
LIKES Himself (to the point of obsession). Willing obedience. Apologies. Fear and control.
DISLIKES Being challenged or corrected. Your independent thought. Your girl friends.
Draws you in with a vibrant personality – may sing, tell stories or jokes, or otherwise make you laugh. May go to the gym and be obsessed with his appearance. May surprise you with sudden defensiveness or aggressive outbursts. Will passionately insist that he is making a special effort for you over basic interactions, e.g. calling you, coming round for a visit, texting you back. If the words “headfuck” and “crazymaking” come to mind, you are probably dealing with a Narcissist Abuser. He wants to drive you “crazy” to replace your understanding of reality with his, in which he is the centre, so that he may continue his abuse.
Mind control & Altering reality – The Narcissist Abuser has the ability to radically change your understanding of the circumstances or an argument. For example, he will be abusive to you and reframe the situation so he is the victim. He will often alternate between abusive language, vicious attacks on you and your personality, and Lies of Affection and Lies in the Future, disorienting and confusing you, and replacing your thoughts with the false realities he has constructed. His aim with this tactic is to mould you into a submissive and fearful but still loving and affectionate object of his control.
Getting you to love them / stay with them / go back to them – The Narcissist knows how to convince you that he loves you, but make no mistake – everything he does/says is for the benefit of his own massive ego. He will break down your confidence so that you feel you deserve no better than how he is treating you. As he is likely to become violent towards you, you are in danger when around him. SoR advises complete and immediate separation from men who exhibit this type of behaviour. We are not experts, we are just women who have experienced these kinds of relationships in the past. If any of this sounds familiar and you need some one to talk to, feel free to contact us.
A. No one understands me / I feel my life’s got a special purpose (or other phrases that convey that they think of themselves as unique, misunderstood, and that the problems in their lives arise from others and not them)
B. Look how I came to see you / Look how I called you / texted you back (or other phrases that make small basic gestures seem like he’s gone out of his way for you when he hasn’t)
C. Why do you always make me so angry? / I wish you didn’t make me so upset /make me get me like this /You always… (and then blames you for his anger management issues)
3. The Peter Pan Man (aka Immature, Little Boys, Never Grown Up)
The Peter Pan Man has not grown up. He is not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to sustain any type of long-term adult relationship. You may be excited by his enthusiasm and zest for life; however, his general immaturity, indecisiveness, lack of critical thinking or life skills, dependency on his friends’ opinions, and prioritisation of his “hobbies” or media addictions over human interaction will eventually sabotage any relationship.
LIKES Comic books, video games, porn, hanging out with his friends, “satirical” animated comedy series, sports, group think
DISLIKES Responsibility, decisions, simple requests
Living at home/moved in with you, does not pay his own rent, no stable source of income, easily hired/fired, spending most of his day on hobbies such as: poker, video games, skateboarding, ballin, chillin with the boys. Suddenly cancels his own plans and calls it spontaneity. Uses any number of avoidance tactics re: consequences or challenging conversations but has no filter for his own thoughts (verbal diarrhea). Will not allow you to end the relationship or the discussion on your own terms; always wants the last word.
Making you laugh. A carefree/spontaneous attitude to life – The Peter Pan Man has a youthful sense of play and fun. He may have jokes, be good at accents or impressions, or like to rap. He may try to impress you by initially including hanging out with you in his daily schedule of fun things, or by offering to do or make things with you, but is often too lazy and immature to complete his plans.
A. “My mum’s my best friend”
B. “I’ve spoken to my boys about this and they said…”
C. “Do we have to talk about this now?” / “Can’t it wait till later?”
4. The Gangsta
The gangsta has a hectic life. Thus, he can be emotionally distant, aggressive, abusive, dishonest, and dominating to those around him. Any interaction with him will be at his whim or according to his schedule. Yet instead of being frustrated by this, you may feel strangely special when he is able to fit you into his busy life. SoR acknowledge that his behaviours are a direct result of the system that we are also fighting to overthrow. However, we have found it extremely difficult to establish healthy romantic relationships with him.
LIKES Good girls. Cars. Expensive things. Being/staying out late. Parties/raves. People he can control.
DISLIKES Intimacy. Honesty. Questions. Snitches. Police. The Government. The Man. The System. (As you might imagine, the latter half of these dislikes are some of the reasons for SoRs’ former alignment with Gangstas).
Street credibility. Difficult to make plans with or otherwise pin down. Good at avoiding intimacy and never exposing vulnerability. Relies on material possessions and notorious accomplishments for reputation. May typically wear precious metals and/or have interest in high fashion/expensive brands. May often be seen with wads of cash, nice car, tattoos. May spend exorbitant amounts on expensive drinks, such as champagne and name brand alcohols. Gangsta/rough sex.
Defending himself and his friends – The Gangsta is the top dog for a reason. His power and initial charm may make him attractive to you. But this aggression will undoubtedly seep into any intimate relationship.
Situational Management – There is a never a situation the Gangsta cannot handle. You may be impressed by the way he is able to deal with change, make decisions and have those around him carry them out. Good at thinking on his feet.
Entrepreneurial Abilities – Good at mental maths, building networks, establishing product/market fit, negotiating supply and demand and keeping critical information under wraps.
Interpersonal Skills – The Gangsta is able to maintain the undying respect, loyalty, and dedication of those around him. This is done through a combination of emotionally manipulative and fear-inducing tactics he has been taught by OGs before him. You may be frustrated with his inability to say anything really nice to you but nevertheless still be taken in by his gangsta game. Learning to identify and take note of these tactics when they are utilised is a primary way you can begin to untangle yourself from their grasp.
Opportunistic But Unrealistic Scheduling Habits: chaotic day-to-day activities that are often subject to change, including to-dos associated with “picking up,” “dropping off,” “handling business,” etc.
Alternate Timetable: SoR has found that Gangstas operate on a “stated time x 3=actual time” principle, where “I’m 5 mins away” means he will arrive in at least 15 min and “I’ll be there in 15” means approximately 45 min. The formula does not apply to “I’ll be there in an hour/few hours – just doing 1 thing” – this means you likely won’t see them at all on that particular occasion.
Deflecting Responsibility – Rarely accepts that he is to blame for anything. Makes frequent and skillful use of Exceptional Circumstance Lies.
A. You know what it is
B. I’m out here/I’m a hustla
C. My life’s a struggle
5. The Alpha Male
The Alpha Male has developed many of the Special Skills described above. He is often intelligent, able to confidently discuss a wide range of issues and may be capable of critical thinking. For these reasons, he is a leader amongst his male friends and is respected by colleagues and family members. He is therefore not used to being challenged or disagreed with. He will always aim to maintain control of every aspect of your relationship, including frequency and length of visits and telephone interactions. He is mainly motivated by self-interest and is not a team player.
LIKES Being in Control, Being Waited On, Being Waited For, Being the Centre of Attention
DISLIKES Being Wrong, Being out of control, Being questioned, Any Challenge or Disagreement
Pride. Confidence/swagger. Is a taker, not a giver. Never backs down. Appearance-centric. Recipient of frequent phone calls from others asking for advice. Like the Gangsta, he avoids intimacy and is rarely honest and open with his feelings. In conflict situations, in contrast to the aggression of a Narcissist/Abuser, an Alpha Male will often simply ignore and/or avoid you if he suspects you are angry. He may then initiate contact on his terms when he assumes you have calmed down. Marks his territory by leaving clothing and accessories (shoes, jackets, sunglasses) at yours so he always has a reason to return. Will regularly cancel plans with friends, family, and lovers at a moment’s notice. Like the Peter Pan Man, he calls this behaviour spontaneous, but is in fact insensitive and inconsiderate of those around him.
Same interpersonal and situational management skills as The Gangsta. Has some of the mind control skills of the Narcissist/Abuser. Like the Player, he is very likely to be extremely good in bed.
A. Nobody can tell me what to do / I’m my own man
B. I’m not ready/too selfish to be in a relationship
C. I’m not a relationship kind of guy
We are not saying that all men can be placed into one of these categories. We also do not claim that these descriptions are infallible. We speak only from our experience with types of men we have encountered in a combined 26+ year dating history.
We have discussed doing a corollary article about the behaviours of respectful, loving, compassionate men, but upon reflection, we realised that although there are some men who display these types of characteristics, we have not encountered enough of them to create another article with the richness and depth of insight found above. We are however, in the process of creating a response to the numerous requests we have received for “guidelines” or an article detailing SoR’s expectations for appropriate behaviour in contrast to the disappointing experiences detailed here.