A woman once told me pointedly something that has stayed with me to this day. We were kissing. Lying on the cold wood floor, my hand traveled across her stomach and she whispered, "I think we should take it slow." I agreed immediately. Before moving in to kiss her again, I said, "Just tell me when to stop."
This, I thought, was considerate.
Under patriarchy, expectations of monogamy and compulsory heterosexuality mean women are conditioned from childhood to be on the lookout (or compulsively searching) for “the one,” her “soulmate,” or Mr. Right. This is a fantasy induced by a combination of Disney princesses, white dresses and storybook weddings, as well as social and cultural influences, public discourse, mass media and celebrity culture. What this means is that many of us are so eager to get married, and so conditioned to be the damsel in distress or unconditionally self-sacrificing for “love,” we often overlook some basic things that illustrate how, far from being a prince or knight come to rescue you, your intimate partner may be in fact dangerous to your sense of self, your individual identity and your independent thought. You do not need rescuing, and no one should make you feel that you do. If any man in your life exhibits the below behaviours, he is at worst an abuser or at best an emotional/financial drain; you are better off without him. In particular, don’t marry him. He is so not worth it. See also: How to Leave a Bad Relationship.
12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry Him
To assist you in identifying and resisting dominant and unequal power relationships in your life, we’ve compiled a list of common phrases people in historically dominant roles have been conditioned to and may use to try to silence oppressed others, particularly when they perceive their dominance to be challenged.
The quotations below were used by men against women and are thus patriarchal; however, one could expect to find similar strategic dismissals and silencing of the accounts and concerns of people of color, working class and poor people, queer and LGBTQI people, young people, fat people, disabled people, and other marginalized folks in the discourses of those who discriminate against them. The simultaneous and intersecting nature of oppression is also considered here.
These strategies, and others we may have missed, can be found in any order, but from our experiences attempts to silence us commonly go something like this:
Assert authority
Question your knowledge/judgment
Delegitimize your response
Delegitimize you
Enforce dominant point of view
Shut down debate or conversation
Sisters of Resistance held an art-making workshop tonight to prep for our V-Day campaign, to be launched citywide on February 13th with the intention of subverting the commercialized, hetero/sexist and hypersexualized institution that is Valentine’s Day. We created feminist street art celebrating respect, consent and the female body, joining feminists worldwide in calling for the smashing of patriarchy and an end to violence against women.
Some samples of this evening’s work:
Respect > roses
love your guts
consent = sexier than lingerie
yes! yes! yes!
Some other slogans we came up with but didn’t show here:
LOVE ME EVERY DAY – END VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN
FEMINISM IS FOR LOVERS
RESPECT: SHE ASKED FOR IT
and of course (we don’t take credit for this one):
If you’re inspired, grab some printer labels and permanent markers, organize a team if you can and get a local campaign going in your area. Feel free to use any of our slogans or come up with your own.
got some colored sharpies, oh yeah
Visit the V-Day Website, check out more art of cultural resistance here, and leave your thoughts about Valentine’s Day in the comments!
because we prefer to have a plan.
We’ve devised a simple flowchart to assist in the difficult decision-making processes of intimate relationships. Use in conjunction with below resources for best results.
Complementary resources:
