12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry Him

26 May

Under patriarchy, expectations of monogamy and compulsory heterosexuality mean women are conditioned from childhood to be on the lookout (or compulsively searching) for “the one,” her “soulmate,” or Mr. Right.  This is a fantasy induced by a combination of Disney princesses, white dresses and storybook weddings, as well as social and cultural influences, public discourse, mass media and celebrity culture.  What this means is that many of us are so eager to get married, and so conditioned to be the damsel in distress or unconditionally self-sacrificing for “love,” we often overlook some basic things that illustrate how, far from being a prince or knight come to rescue you, your intimate partner may be in fact dangerous to your sense of self, your individual identity and your independent thought.  You do not need rescuing, and no one should make you feel that you do.  If any man in your life exhibits the below behaviours, he is at worst an abuser or at best an emotional/financial drain; you are better off without him.  In particular, don’t marry him. He is so not worth it.  See also: How to Leave a Bad Relationship.

12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry Him

  1. He interrupts what you are doing to demand his dinner. He demands his dinner. He seems to think his dinner is your priority/responsibility.
  2. He interrupts what you are doing to demand anything.
  3. He expects things from you he wouldn’t do for you, and doesn’t do himself – e.g. washing his clothes, caring for his children, paying for or “helping” him with his large bills/expenses.  He does not share equally in what would be the tasks of a marriage.
  4. His “affection” is always aggressive and only manifests when he wants something.  He withholds attention, and if he does give it, he expects/requires you to respond positively to his advances. Sisters of Resistance place coercion on the spectrum of sexual harassment, assault and rape. In our experience coercion is common and we call it when we see it. (In the case of rape, help is available. International Resources)
  5. He cuts you off from your friends and family. Tactics may include: judging your friends and relatives, telling you who he likes and doesn’t like, or who you are allowed to see and when, if at all. (See:  Narcissist Abuser).
  6. He has cheated on you.  Or when you got together, he was cheating on someone else.
  7. He doesn’t have a life. (See: Peter Pan Man)
  8. He puts you down, ridicules, or degrades you.  This wears away at your self-confidence while keeping you trying harder to win his love.  He may say he is just joking, but that shit ain’t funny. (Men have sayings that relate directly to this one: “Treat her mean, keep her keen” UK /  “You treat a girl like dirt, she’ll stick to you like mud “ USA) (See:  Narcissist Abuser).
  9. He is always negative/moaning/feeling sorry for himself.  He expects you to carry this emotional burden.
  10. He only speaks badly of his exes and past relationships, painting them always as being in the wrong.  He accepts no responsibility for the ending of past relationships and breakups.  (He probably doesn’t accept much responsibility anyway.)
  11. If he already has kids, and he has not raised them well, why would you (possibly) want to make more with him?
  12. If things have only gotten worse since you moved in together, why get married and make that shit permanent?

***FURTHER AND FOUNDATIONAL READING***

Feminists have long critiqued marriage as the oldest patriarchal institution and enabler of capitalism, as they emerged over the same historical time period.  A woman getting married is literally and symbolically “given away” by her father to her husband, as property and breeding stock handed from one man to the other. Radical feminists are known to regard and reject marriage as a form of legalised rape or prostitution. 

For a foundational socioeconomic and political critique of marriage, refer to Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State – Frederick Engels, 1884. http://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1884/origin-family/index.htm

The below is reposted from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criticism_of_marriage.

According to Gerstel and Sarkisian, domestic violence, isolation, and housework increase for women (1) [as a result of marriage].

Some feminists seek the end of formal marriage: “The institution of marriage is the chief vehicle for the perpetuation of the oppression of women; it is through the role of wife that the subjugation of women is maintained.”(2)

Individuals such as Sheila Cronan claim that “[f]reedom for women cannot be won without the abolition of marriage”(3) and point to historical, legal and social inequalities of wedding, family life and divorce.

Marriage as an institution developed from rape as a practice.—Andrea Dworkin

Early second wave feminist literature specifically opposed to marriage include: 

  • Kate Millett, Sexual Politics (1969)
  • Germaine Greer, The Female Eunuch (1970)
  • Marilyn French, The Women’s Room (1977)
  • Jessie Bernard, The Future of Marriage (1972)
  • Shulamith Firestone, The Dialectic of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution (1970)
REFERENCES
  1. Gerstel, Naomi, et al., Marriage: The Good, the Bad, and the Greedy, op. cit., p. 16.
  2. Marlene Dixon, “Why Women’s Liberation? Racism and Male Supremacy,” at Articles%20Semester%202/8%20Dixon.htm
  3. Sheila Cronan, “Marriage,” in Koedt, Levine, and Rapone, eds., Radical Feminism, p. 219

11 Responses to “12 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Marry Him”

  1. nezaka June 24, 2012 at 12:57 am #

    This article really gives a lot of perspective on marriage and its origins. I always knew it was a means to control women, as mentioned, sell off like property. In relation to my own life, I never thought of marriage, I never saw it as a necessity, I never wanted to get married nor did I ever begin planning “my wedding” when I was younger. However, recently I’ve begun to consider it only to shut-up my community and family and that’s only because I cannot lie if I were to live with my partner. Thanks to the article I’ve begun to build up a case against marriage, one that will tear down any argument my family might throw at me, because my rebellion against such conventions could mean losing them altogether, how backward, but true.

  2. Lise Berghagen July 26, 2012 at 1:54 pm #

    Marriage is an age-old institution that will never be be right and certainly not for women. Monogamy is ridiculous and horrible, anyway.

    • Sista Resista August 13, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

      Truth to your first point. As for the second, monogamy is not something we are inclined to defend. It may work for some but those cases seem to be rare. We feel that people in a particular relationship need to prioritize honesty and working out an arrangement that they can commit to and that feels right for them.

      Thanks for commenting,
      SoR

  3. chocolatbelle July 29, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    I love your blog! As an African woman I can relate to what you have to say

    • Sista Resista August 13, 2012 at 4:24 pm #

      Thanks so much for your comments and for reading. We are glad you feel us! :)

      Love,
      SoR

  4. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 6:30 am #

    As I sit here-1am-I may be pregnant for this animal. I have read every single writing from this site regarding relationships. * I am sincerely greatful * there comes a point in a woman’s life, when swallowing something intensely bitter just tastes so good, due to being so hungry for the truth. Slap it black or slap it white,…no grey areas. I absolutely have experienced virtually every single nightmare characteristic that I have recently learned of regarding the many sicknesses and ploys played on me. I am 29, been married and divorced twice and engaged a further 3 times since, and through way too many examples listed in both these articles and by commentors. It sickens me of how genitalia and hormones somehow give most the delusion of superiority. You sisters are important as the message you are conveying respectfully is truth. The message you all are standing for is self love, self reliance, mutual earned respect, true freedom, psycological health and healing and the importance of being informed and to undo sick twisted ways of viewing ‘the human experience’ and learn what it is to evolve and in many ways return to what is beauty and the true love of ourselves and of our fellow extensions of ourselves.

  5. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 6:43 am #

    Im am doing this by cell phone and have to say my piece in parts. So here is part 2. Lol. From what I gather, you all stand for what i have previously listed. I have many gfs to introduce to your site and much changes to be made. The current nightmare I have experienced lasted for a duration of over a year. It feels like a decade of mental, emotional and yes,…physical rape. This guy is the optiome of the above 5 listed male types to run from like ya ass is on fiya! I have had blander forms of abuse which was likened to drinking slightly poisoned water and dying at a slower rate. But this guy,…takes the planet cakes came from. I already did the ‘cut off communications’ and am just looooooving it! I somehow found it both exhilerating and hilarious, in my own evil momma way to take back my rights and my self value and shape my own fantastic future. This man did not make it easy. So I will detail a few things and show you it can be done. He started off sincere, as a friend, never initiating sex talk, and displayed that he had ‘substance! Whoooh hoooh! I shoulda seen the red flags that soon became white towels of my surrendering my very own life to come.

  6. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    Part 3! Soon, my friends were hos, and he especially hated my lesbian friends! It made huge fights if I visited a friend, so he would not only fight, but would have extended stays with ‘friend(s) if I didn’t agree with his perspectives. Arm grabbing in grocery stores etc. Accusing me of liking some random guy that walks by and even accusing me of having these random men in my past. Punched the hood of my car. Ran infront my car when I was driving the hell away. Faked injuries from multiple arguments. Spits and points his finger in my face. Held me captive, takes my cell and car keys and physically restrained me from any movement for my own safety. Force sex if I refused. *crazy making* death threats! Theft! Cheated! Costs me money money money. Exagerates the things he does for me. Uses everyone. Punches objects and even gave himself a blk eye and throws things at me or beside me in efforts to scare me and control me to not leave him or disagree with him. Rattles the carport above his mother’s van loose and just almost caused it to collapse. Busted my mouth force kissing me

  7. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 7:11 am #

    Part 4. With his very own teeth he has busted my mouth when he force kissed me. Pulled my hair out my head. Bruises, grappling me in the bed. Has picked me up threw me like a sack of potatoes inside his vehicle when I was too afraid to leave with him. Picks me up throws me in the bed or any given place. I am 215 lbs. Causes me to hyperventilate and cry and I have passed out with absolutely no aid from him. Don’t even get me started on the infidelity. Missing condoms etc. Phone numbers weird calls. Have you ever had your man get a call from another woman he slept with while you and him are engaged in intercourse. Yes I said it. It happens and makes a woman feel truly violated and is emotional rape. It is a severe abuse. And the death threats. Him forcing me to call my friend of 6 years to meet me somewhere so he can beat my friend. He had me by my neck and then threatened to outright break my foot twisted if I didn’t comply, all because this friend of mine is a man. Who is 6 years younger than me and not once did any contact even commit a shaddow of a hint of interest from him or myself. Ya ever heard that crazy statement, ‘If I can’t have you,…no one will!’? Well ladies,…that was usually shouted with the red veins and straining anger and psycho eyeballs followed by I will kill him infront you! If I should ever move on he would make morbid promises and still will, no doubt. I know I am rambling on, but I know this will help at the very least, one strong beautiful woman who is picking herself up and seeing her way out. He wanted his clothes his way, his food his way. No onions etc. He spent time with me on his terms and the Earth stood still if I made plans in his absence. I once, and I mean once went out with my gfs and he drove 60 miles to come hunt me down and pull me away from them. They were all afraid for me and I see that now and that is why they frantically helped him get to me even by directions etc, for fear of him hurting me in not complying and for fear of him even having it in his head that one of them objected. I better not make the bed wrong or brush my teeth without him or I better say I love you admediately after he states it and I better say it fast enough or I would have an animal. I have this man sit directly on my chest and tie my neck and choke me and call me every name in his head, with all of his might all the while shaking and rattling me. He tattooed my name big across his chest. Ever seen the movie ‘fear’?

  8. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 7:24 am #

    Part 5. Threatened to post my nude pics online. Much property damage and I could honestly give alot more. I have to stop myself. 5 posts is alot. But my point is: I stayed and stayed and stayed because I was fractured by him and he held the glue and he refractured me just to make me need him for repairs. I stayed because yes I love him and there are many many goods that came with the many bads, but,…I stayed BECAUSE I FEARED HIM. I feared for my life and my fear of facing what he might do to himself without me, because he never left out suicide threats and I have pulled scissors and knives out his hands from his throat in the nick of time several times and I still believe he is fully capable of doing all each and every threat he ever displayed and stated. But ladies,…in the end, I see he believes he is superior and he knows quite well the game he is playing and I woke up. I stopped communication and today I find this site and I will do everything in my power to secure my freedom and will help every woman I come to know as best I can. I know i have a battle ahead. Police, protective orders and other measures will be taken. Even voicemail recordings, saved text messages and in home audio recordings can be used. Be keen and if you want someone as a companion, listen to what is inside you. I didn’t and there is a mess i have to clean that i never deserved and didn’t ask for. I will make it nolonger exist in my life. No more mess. Manipulation and abuse are things I learned and it made me love myself so much! Yes there is shame and regret but it gets replaced with the power you already have inside you. I did it and am doing it, get freed and live, don’t just exist. Btw.

  9. Jolie August 15, 2012 at 7:35 am #

    Btw: did I fail to mention this is just my last boyfriend! Not any details were shed regarding my 2 ex husbands or ex fiance’s. The 11 miscarriages and all the fun that caused them. Get freed and waist no time.

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