Sisters of Resistance would like to cross post this brilliant article from the current conscience on the power and domination men have in society and their decision to use this power to selectively, and insensitively, not text back the women in their personal lives. We have found this article both useful and very relevant. We feel readers may enjoy the below in conjunction with our articles on “Mobile Phone Based Lies” and the types of men we are advised to avoid.
His Selective Communication
Originally posted by Yashar Ali on 12-12-2011 here || Like Yashar’s fb page ||Follow Yashar on Twitter
There’s no doubt that the primary way in which we now communicate is via text-message, email, and social media. Phone calls have fallen by the wayside.
Electronic communication has changed the dynamics of how we interact, creating both benefits and problems.
One problem that continuously arises in romantic relationships is the way in which men control the conversation by selectively ignoring texts and emails.
I like to call this behavior cafeteria responding.
That’s right. Just like when you go to a cafeteria, and walk around, picking and choosing what you want to eat, men who engage in cafeteria responding are also picking and choosing the messages and responses that appeal to them most. Leaving you hanging…
Melodie, age 35, has seen this pattern of behavior play out in her last two relationships. Anytime she would text or email something that made these men uncomfortable, whether she was attempting to address an argument that had taken place, ask for clarification about the relationship, or request something that they didn’t want to do, they would ignore the text. Either, they would go silent right away and wait for her to text again, or they would text her a few hours later, about some other issue, as if nothing had happened.
The point is, no matter what the issue, whether it was something major or something small, if it was a concern or question her boyfriend didn’t want to deal with, the solution was simple: ignore. They pretended like the message was never sent and would move on to the next issue.
But the silence became a vicious cycle as Melodie began confining these issues–the ones she knew were touchy and uncomfortable–to text message. She figured that if they didn’t want to answer or talk about it through text, they definitely wouldn’t want to answer in person, “If he didn’t respond by text, there’s no way I would have the courage to ask him in person. I just felt like I would be ambushing him.”
Of course, in lacking an outlet and someone with whom to discuss the issues that were important to her, Melodie was left feeling frustrated and emotionally unfulfilled. So, she was sacrificing her own emotional health for her boyfriend’s emotional comfort.
Lisa, 47, found that she would deal with her discomfort, in reaching out to her husband about emotional matters, by burying the question or comment in one or two other texts, “I just felt better if I didn’t hit him with the issue directly.”
Of course, her husband responded to her other messages and ignored the emotionally difficult text.
Kristy, 32, often faces this challenge when she reaches out to her boyfriend about emotional matters. And what does he say when she confronts him about being a cafeteria responder?
“I always get the excuse from him that he doesn’t know how to respond to stuff ‘like that.’ Maybe I should forward his own long emotional emails, that he wrote to me, back to him. The emails he writes when HE was scared of losing me and poured HIS heart out…”
Many of the women I spoke to felt that it’s always better to get a response to their questions–even if it’s a response that is not to their liking–than to be completely ignored, “I feel so hurt when he literally just ignores something I have said or asked. Am I not worth it? And why do I keep trying? Why can’t he just come out with with an answer?”
We men (and I am including myself in this) often get a free pass when it comes to crappy communication skills. Some of the women in my life who have dealt with this sort of behavior make excuses for the men in their lives, “Oh, he’s just tired,” or “He’s shy. He’s just so busy,” or “It’s hard for him to get emotional.”
You know what? I take a hard line on this: be an adult, grow up, and stop acting like a child. Trust me, and I speak broadly here, women do not get the same free pass as men do. They don’t have the privilege of acting like a teenager.
Alison, 39, gets a raft of guilt from her boyfriend if she doesn’t respond to his “important” messages, “He acts as if I have just committed a major offense, like cheating. It’s one of the worst things I could do to him. I get texts like ‘hello???? where are you?’ Sometimes minutes after the initial text. But if I say something about his regular tendency to ignore me, he just makes me feel like an overly sensitive nut job.”
The women I interviewed for this column generally admitted to not calling their men partners out on cafeteria responding because they didn’t want to seem crazy or needy, “I’m not going to be that woman, the one that I’m scared of becoming: a nagger. But it’s hard because I feel entrapped because I can’t discuss what I want to discuss…ever.”
This isn’t about someone being busy and occasionally not responding to a text or email; when we’re all in a frantic rush, we forget to follow up. And it also isn’t about someone who wants to express themselves emotionally and has a difficult time.
This is about a consistent pattern of behavior. It’s about controlling the conversation.
And of course, there’s no better or easier place to control communication than through electronic means. Most of us would have difficulty (and yes I know there are exceptions to this) literally ignoring someone if he/she were sitting directly in front of us. However, the awkwardness of ignoring someone in person disappears when we’re talking by text or e-mail.
A failure to confront or a conscious ignoring of an issue is part of the human condition. It’s so much easier to avoid rather than react, but when it comes to romantic partnerships, so much of a man’s cafeteria responding is rooted in male entitlement, power over women. Men may feel okay about ignoring others, but when it happens to them, they openly complain about it and everyone around them scrambles to fix the situation. Talk about male privilege.
Slowly, but surely, after dealing with a partner who is consciously ignoring their questions and concerns, some women live in a world where they somehow manage to convince themselves that they are being good partners–that in some areas of the relationship, they have to compromise. Goes back to my least favorite phrase, “It’s just the way he is.” No one said compromise means compromising your opinions and emotional health.
And there’s always an excuse, right? His phone was not working, no reception, your email was in his spam, he didn’t have his phone with him, etc.
But that’s all bullshit. When there is a message men want to respond to, the response is instantaneous. This can be said for all of us, both men and women. But in terms of relationships and the male-female dynamic, women are left holding the bag when it comes to this cafeteria responding.
And day-by-day, that bag seems to get heavier–doesn’t it?
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Check out the original article: http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/12/12/his-selective-communication/
And Yashar’s other articles: http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/author/yashar/
Until reading this, I really felt alone in my text to text situation. To be dealing with someone almost five years and to come down to text that don’t get responses, has made me truly feel like shit.
I’m now pregnant with his twins and are communication is now basically invisible. Just like it was said in the blog, if he can’t answer me in a text then why would I ask him in person. But I am tired of the lame excuses. And I have over 2000 text going back and forth and nothing ever getting solved.
Now he doesn’t answer my text at all, tells me he doesn’t read my books. And after all this time to be pregnant and not have one ounce of communication is killing me inside. I feel that instead of building me up with confidence as his woman by answering questions and solving matters, he would rather see me hurt.
Now I might get a call and Its hard for me to even answer it because when ever I confront the situation at hand it’s turns into an argument. Then it goes to an all day text session that goes no where.
I feel he can’t get over himself enough to put this pregnancy situation first. Its so obvious in the text that he doesn’t read them and responses to whatever he wants. Now, I have become so angry I say such negative things, because I am not being listened to, cared for, or put first in a situation that is so very important.
One thing that ticks me off the most is he shares these text with others and only shows them the negative. Like how did it get there in the first place, he wants other to make him feel like he is so right and is doing the right thing by not being here because of what has been said in a text.
But he had been around all this time and now he wants to take leave when I pregnant. blame it on text. Makes no sense. It’s just plain selfish. I’m already emotional.
Sorry so long just had to get it out.
Dear Kizze,
Thanks for writing us and sorry you are having to deal with such insensitive, uncaring behaviour from your partner, especially at this stage of your pregnancy. It is shocking to us how many men can be so cold just when you could use their help and support the most. There are number of things wrong with this picture: the fact that he doesn’t respond, that he gossips (yes, gossips) about you to others, and that he doesn’t seem to care about how his insensitivity affects you.
We know this is a hard thing to consider, but it has been our experience that men who treat women poorly don’t tend to improve their behavior, so if you stay with him, it may get worse. It doesn’t sound like you live together — how often do you usually speak/see each other? Are you able to get some space away from him for some time? Maybe consider cutting off communication with him temporarily, because he doesn’t deserve your love or attention if it is not reciprocated, and you deserve better than a man who will leave you hanging while you are pregnant. Can you reach out for support from his or your side of the family (mothers, sisters, etc) or a local mothers’ support group who might be able to get involved with caring for you and the babies to come? Unfortunately there are no easy answers here, but please remember that you have done nothing wrong. His selfishness, although a major problem, is holding HIM back, not you, and ruining his happy family life while you are learning how best to care for yourself and your young ones.
We also recommend reaching out to local midwives’ agencies and arranging for a doula to help you leading up to, during and after the birthing process. You deserve support and care, and a dedicated doula may be one way you can make sure that you have it during this time. We wish you love and luck; please write again if we can be of any help.
All the best
SoR
I just want to chime in and say that the recommendation to find a doula is right on. My man was cheating on me and pulling a whole load of hula while I was pregnant, and now looking back, I wish I woulda left him, gotten myself an awesome doula and accepted the fact that I was going to be a single mama before I gave birth. Instead, I realized something wasn’t right with him as I was going into labor, which kinda was a big downer. It’s real important to be collected, and strong, and to feel really supported when you’re giving birth. I have another single mama friend who did just that — got real with herself before she gave birth, and she did it all on her own, knowing she was doing it all on her own. Being a single mama is actually really sweet in a lot of ways, because the bond is super strong between mama and baby. (Or babies in your case.) Even though sometimes it can be hard, which is why a good support system helps a lot, overall, I would say that at least I don’t have to deal with someone elses BS, and can just focus on my little one. Our children really teach us about what unconditional love is about.
I completely understand as I’m going through the same thing!
Actually I think this may be rooted in men being conditioned to suppress/avoid emotions (except anger), which easily extends to others’ emotions too.
Agreed re: it’s always better to get an unwanted response than to be ignored. From my point of view, anyway. However, I wonder if for someone with a big ego, it’s better to be ignored? Also agreed re the double standard. I still find it frankly perplexing how widespread it is for men to expect things to work one way only in relationships
However, the use of ageist and responsibilist terminology worries me here… The model of “normal mature adult subject” has a long history, complete with its characteristic exclusions (including, historically, women); and there’s a more recent, neoliberal history of individualising social problems by implying they’re about people not accepting responsibility for their failings (the main reason for which is that the poor are to blame for poverty – their problem is their lack of skills or employability – “no excuses”). I think the dominant image of a mature adult subject is someone conditioned into dominant norms, performing allotted roles in social production and reproduction (the “good subject” in Althusser’s terms). Now, of course there are also people who can’t or won’t fit into the imposed roles/norms, for all kinds of reasons – psychological difference, cultural difference, disability, politics and so on… they’re the “bad subjects”. And the system puts the “bad subjects” under siege to coerce them to be “good subjects”, or at least make their suppression seem their own fault. What worries me here is a repetition of the good/bad subject model from a progressive point of view – altering the definition of normal/mature/adult but keeping the abyssal bar in place. The “refusal to grow up”, the refusal to be a good adult subject in a system which shouldn’t even exist, even a certain incommunicability, might be important forms of resistance… and especially “whatever-singularity”, refusing the gesture of dividing people into the normal-mature ingroup and the bad-subject outgroup… I’m reminded of “Moving toward the Ugly” here (“Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women”).
Otherwise great post as usual
Keep up the good work.
Really good points, Andy. We need to be careful of using normative language and making sure we are not being inadvertently exclusive. Thanks for the reminder.
Be well,
SoR
Reblogged this on Kizze Writes and commented:
It’s a bit of a relief I’m not alone in this. Just wish it wasn’t an issue.
Thank you for your thoughts on men who don’t respond, or cafeteria respond. No one wants to be ignored, and it can often be a double-standard with men. I’ve been thinking about the texting/email thing and I would give the advice to not text or email unless it uplifting or factual. Sending an emotionally charged text with questions that are being demanded, isn’t a fair way to confront someone. The person who sending the text is avoiding real confrontation just as much as the person ignoring the text. If you have something to confront a man about, wait until he leads in pursuing a time with you to meet or chat on the phone. Bring it up to him gently, and state how you feel without attacking him. Ask yourself how you would like him to confront you? Men have feelings too, sometimes men are even more emotional then women. If a man does conistently ignore your text, phone calls, or just in plain general the way you feel, its time to move on. You deserve to be with a man who strives to protect your heart, respects you, pursues & wants just you, and is willing to be a man who provides. A good man will desire to be in a partnership with you. He will do his best to listen and care about your feelings. It won’t always be all about HIM. If he continues to disrespect you, wait until you have a time to meet or chat on the phone and then bring it up to him. If he tries to make your fault, avoids the topic, or just wants argue—he is not the guy for you. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about him. But, before you go trying to confront him ask yourself these questions: Have I done anything that has offended him & I should apologize? Is he going through something that is making him act this way–is this normal behavior? Is just always like this–is he a jerk? If the answer is that he is a jerk, you should still confront him. See how he responds–if it is riddled with lies, excuses, or anger. Tell him its time for you to move on. If he doesn’t care about you now, he won’t care about you later. You can’t make a man respond, want, or love you. Don’t be so desperate to be with him, that you lose sight of being you and finding someone who actually cares about you and WANTS you.
I started dating a guy who was very affectionate at the start who wanted to see me and would call and text.
One day i send him a text saying have a good day. (relax i didn’t expect a reply and he didn’t reply.)
later that afternoon around 5pm I text saying how was your day? a fair enough question to ask I thought… I received no reply all night so I continued on with things I had to do.
I received no reply the next morning either, now I’ve never been a pushy person with him in general however I felt concerned that there was no response, so I texted him with a “are you ok?” He replied within 10 to 20 mins later with something like yes I’m good.. how’s your holidays going?
Instantly I deleted all his texts messages and I refuse to reply as I thought.. how dare he pick and choose what he wants to respond to. ( you wont even reply to how was your day?)
Now I’m not one to generally write on blogs normally i can figure things out for myself however i found this blog and i can relate to how annoying it is for a person to be like this.
I wonder? is there any solution or any kind of payback for someone who does this to you? if he calls me tomorrow or tonight even because I haven’t replied and he (may) be concerned I’d like an idea of pretending it doesn’t bother me. no women can be happy with a person like this. it has put me right off dating him. I don’t think it’s “just the way he is” I think it’s a problem he has to change if he wants a girl like me.
Anyone ever dated a guy like this and actually found a solution? I’d be interested to hear it.
Your story sounds familiar. I went out with this guy once. I met him through a friend, on FB and he asked me out very soon. We had a good time, got very romantic at the end of the evening, but after that first date, he hasn’t really talked to me that much. He’s not a chatter box in person so I’m assuming maybe he’s even more quiet through text, however, communication with him is almost unbearable. He txts sometimes and his texts are short. If I respond fast (I respond fast to everyone, regardless – not only because it’s him), he sometimes doesn’t even respond back. It’s like he initiatives the convo but doesn’t follow through (so annoying and irritating). It takes him a while or even hours to reply and yes, I know he has a crappy phone/service, but I’m sure he DOES get my texts because he responds fast when he wants. I’ve noticed he’s ignored me more than once. I honestly don’t know why us -women- put up with men who ignore us. It’s obvious they’re not really into us or else, they’d want to talk to us more, they would pursue us and most importantly, they would never ignore us. The red flags are all over the place, and especially when we just met someone and these signs show up so early on, we should know better that the guy in question is not into us enough, he’s not a keeper and we should simply say “NEXT!”
Yeah he/she is so right about the cafeteria responding , I like the way he/she explained it !
I thought it was me too. Anytime I mention important stuff to me he days he’s I don’t need this extra stuff I’m going thru a lot. I do everything for him a he doesn’t call back or text back but will comment on facebook w his friends. I feel taken for granted a bottled up. He doesn’t get how wrong he is. It really sucks bec its upsetting a it makes me feel like I don’t matter. I’m just really mad at him a he doesn’t get it. I wish I didn’t love him.
This is GREAT support and response. I love the cafeteria response; I can relate to it so well. I am on my six month of pregnancy I work and go to school trying to finish up my BA, I have 2 daughters which have been very supportive. Unfortunately my partner has never been around and we may talk off and on every 3 weeks or so. Everytime we get into an argument I get the same response which is nothing.. Then I find myself texting books and he only responds to what he wants. I even broke down and found myself begging for his support (Which I have never done) and he completely ignored me then apologized the next day. I went through my first two pregnancies by myself I figured this one should be a piece of cake I can pick myself up I dont really need anyone. Except during this pregnancy I am doing more than my last two. Everything is more demanding between my job and school. Oh and not to mention when I found out I was pregnant he tells me ” He is still in love with his ex- (baby mom). Which slapped me in the face.. I just dont want to be angry and carry this with me.. this is painfull. Until recently all of a sudden he is calling me, and sending sweet messages.. I dont understand…. I do know that I have cutt him off.. I just dont want to be vulnerable with him….. But I see I am not the only one…. so if you guys made it through I know I can as well…..
Dear Yahayra, sorry for the late reply. You deserve better treatment, and the only way to do that is to cut him off completely. He is not there for you when you need it, is emotionally unavailable, and is using you as a crutch for when he feels lonely. You will be better off without him and his emotional manipulation. Count on dependable family and friends who you know are on your side; you don’t need him, and your daughters and new child will be better off without him toying with their affections. You will definitely make it! We wish you all the best.
Love,
Sisters of Resistance
So do I confront him? Should I tell him its unfair, and that all im trying to do is be his friend, because its hella annoying. Or would bringing it up just make it worse.
Hi Maria,
If he’s not working with you, our policy is that 1. he probably won’t learn and 2. it’s not your responsibility to teach him. Let him go his way and you go yours. You will be better for it, and maybe in the long run he will learn that the reason he keeps losing friends and lovers is because he doesn’t treat them right. But if he doesn’t learn, it won’t be your problem.
Take good care,
Sisters of Resistance
Im so happy i found this article.I literally thought i was the only girl going through this.Now ive been talking to his guy for almost 5 years and he is not my boyfriend.He treats me as if we are in a relationship but yet to have the title. Our conversation would be so dry especially when i would ask him serious questions.He would ignore me and write to me the same thing after hours of ignoring me.”wyd” Now i find myself wondering if he even loves me forreal or is this all a game.I would dare ask him but im not sure if its such a great idea.
My significant other and I started talking when we found out that both our spouses were cheating on us (not with each other). His wife wanted nothing to do with him, but my husband was apologetic and wanted to work on our marriage. I refused. Anyway, we fell in love..or at least I did..I became pregnant after 5 months of being with him and when I told him, he ignored me for two days straight. I would text him, call him and nothing. On the second day he called me apologizing…that he was scared and promised that he would NEVER leave me alone again; that he would be there for me no matter what happens. I’m not proud, but I had an abortion and we stayed together. In fact, our love (or so I thought) grew stronger. What I didn’t mention is that we live in two different states and after a year of being together, I packed up my bags and two kids (from my husband) and moved to be closer to him. To see where things would go. I found out a week ago that I was pregnant again. I panicked…I was so scared that he would do what he did to me before so I told him by text…what a mistake…it was worse than the last time…he wouldn’t respond; I kept writing to him via text and email. I even called and pretty much begged..which I NEVER do…for him to at least text me. I told him about not having any support in this new city…I told him how scared I was, etc….and he never responded. I thought two days was bad before…but this time it wasn’t until he must have realized that I’m not going away that he finally responded…that was on the 6th day. After pouring out my heart to him, I got…can I see you tomorrow? I asked if it was because he felt obligated and he responded…we need to talk…I feel like such an ass right now…I feel like he just wants me to go away. I really believed he loved me or I wouldn’t have moved…I really believed he wanted to be with me…what a fool I was! Even when we talk is on his terms…he doesn’t even know if he can really see me…I have to wait and see if he’ll text. This is pathetic…I am pathetic!!! I never thought in a million years that I would be going through this. I am educated and have a great job..I take care of me and my kids…how the hell did I let myself be duped?
Hi,
Sounds like you left one bad situation for another. We are so sorry to hear this. You are not pathetic, you were just the victim of men who are uncaring and disloyal. It is a common story and you are not alone. But you are also a survivor. The most important thing to do now is focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. You can build community in the new city or you can choose to go back to where you know people and have support, but do not base your long-term life decisions on men who have not done the same for you. The new one, who does not respond to you, is not worth your time. Your ex, the father of your children, might play a good role in helping to raise your kids but you are not beholden to him. Work on disentangling your emotions from your past two relationships and practicing self-love and self-care, a good model to pass on to your children. It will be hard but it will be worth it. Sending you lots of love, and wishing you the best now and in the future.
In solidarity,
SoR
thank you all for the article and responses. I feel some strength in knowing others are experiencing the same thing. I really love Patty’s response; “NEXT”!!! How can we expect to be treated with respect and courtesy if we continuously demonstrate that we will accept being shit on? For me, what’s important to remember here is that A) he would respond if he was really into you (just like he probably does when he is feeling loving toward you), and B) it’s not going to improve and in fact will probably get worse as he sees what he is capable of getting away with.
My advise to all of us, just let it be. Much like a big ugly pimple, we are tempted to squeeze and pick until it bursts and becomes a scar that takes much much longer to heal and go away. Just relax, try to focus on something else, and if he is ever going to come around he will do it without your facilitation. If he isn’t, well he probably wasn’t going to anyway.
For the women who are pregnant or have children with these men, I know it’s not so simple, but I still think you stand to gain from trying to focus your energies on things that enrich your life and help you grow.
Your advice is sound, and we definitely agree. These men don’t deserve your love, your time, or your energy. Instead, putting your energies into loving and caring for yourself (and your children, if you have them) and enriching your life, as you put it, is definitely the way forward!
Thanks for the tips,
Sisters of Resistance
I loved my boy friend, he was loving me, but now he didn’t reply my massage till, it have been two days
He didnt reply me till
What can I do please help me
Hi Nunu, your boyfriend doesn’t sound very caring or considerate. You don’t have to wait on someone who doesn’t treat you right. We say he is a bad apple and you should leave him. For ideas on how to go about this, you can start here: http://sistersofresistance.wordpress.com/2011/06/06/how-to-leave-a-bad-relationship-part-1-cutting-communication/
Good luck, and remember, you’re better off without him.
All the best
Sisters of Resistance
They are just being ignorant and they do it because they can. I’ve now come to the conclusion, if a guy treats me that way I do the same to him -simple
That’s the spirit. We totally agree.
SoR
Just found out I was pregant with twins from a man that I’ve know for 25 years. He was oh so loving and when I became pregnant he became the alpha male. It is almost like he wants to see what I will put up with. One minute he is loving and the next minute he is hanging the phone up on me and not responding to my text. Then he laughs about all of it because it is funny to him. I am double emotional at this point and need him to be the man I thought I knew. It all seems like a game to him and I am so hurt, confused, and alone. I am tired of my friends picking up his slack. Please help somebody, I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown when I need an emotional break through…..
Dear CJB,
Apologies for the lateness of this reply, just seen your comment. It must be very difficult for you to feel abandoned by someone you have known and trusted for such a long time. If he is not responding to you, he is clearly very selfish and only cares for himself, not for you or your children. It would be in your best interest to separate yourself from him, cut communication, and only deal with him through formal (legal) channels so that you are able to obtain the support to which you and your children are entitled. He will never “be the man you thought you knew” because it seems he was fooling you all along, and it is only now that the “real him” has shown itself. It is important that you take control at this point. Your well being and that of your children depend on it. Your friends sound like they are supportive, but they can help you best when he is no longer allowed in your life and space, as he will only continue to toy with your emotions and manipulate you. You will be stronger, safer, and better off without him.
Wishing you all the best,
SoR
Hi good day to you thanks for this article it’s really helpful. I really my bf but many times I felt like taken for granted. We only see each other once a week he picked me up from work then I slept over to his house. My problem I want to talk to him every the end of the day but he is not answering my calls, instead I received a text that he is tired.
He blocked me from his fb account the reason was I found out that he’s flirting with a lot of women & I commented one of his comment there that stop flirting here Hun you’re already taken so everybody knew I am his gf. Then I post to his wall beware Hun from now on I will be watching you here. He said he felt embarrassed of what I posted.
Because of that I felt mad at him then I stopped calling & texting him for a month. Then, he said common Hun lets move in together I just don’t like you’re telling me what to do. He said, you are not the one who’s going to control in this relationship, I am the king therefore you follow me. He said he wanted to have baby with me but am hesitant because of this issue he’s not answering my calls. He texted everyday & i replied to him but sometime he didn’t reply to my text.
He said let’s move in together but one time I’d like to stay with him for 3 days but he said- no you can’t because I have a lot of things to do I am very busy nowadays. So, it confused me why he wanted to move in with me if I can’t stay 3days in his house? Is it because when he asked I replied to him that I can’t because my work is too far & am not driving he’s the one who pick & bring me back to work?
And one thing he has tagged account too I saw his profile that his old gf was still there is it mean to say he still love his old gf? I asked him to remove it from his profile but he wouldn’t. But why he always told me that if am not a jealous type he would marry me? I told him I don’t ask you to marry me being faithful & loyal to me is a greatest gift. I told him marriage is just a piece of paper the important is how we get along together.
Thanks for reading & hoping for your reply & advice. God bless!
Karen
Hello Karen,
Sounds like you are in a bad relationship. If any man says to you “I am the king therefore you follow me,” you need to get as far away from him as you can, as fast as possible. He does not treat you with respect and he is playing with your feelings in order to use you for his benefit. When you stayed away from him for a month, he decided to pull out the big guns and ask you to move in with him not because he loves you, but because he was afraid you had decided to move on. And that is exactly what you should do. Leave him, he doesn’t deserve you.
Have a look at our advice on how to leave a bad relationship: http://sistersofresistance.wordpress.com/resources/sista-resista-library/how-to-leave-a-bad-relationship-series/ We hope it can help you to get away from him and start learning to love and cherish yourself!
Wishing you all the best,
SoR
I can relate to the whole texting and not getting a response to certain text I send. To be quite honest when i first met this guy I am dating he told me he didnt like to text because sometimes words can become misunderstood. I agreed with him after we had a texting misunderstanding and didnt talk for several weeks before I contacted him and acted like I had misplaced his phone number. We still communicate via text and there are a lot of times that I text him a question and I dont get a response. I don’t get mad because I have gotten to know him and I realize some of my questions or comments he might not have an opinion or he might not feel the same way or he might just be trying to spare my feelings. So I let a lot of stuff go in terms of trying to get a response or an answer to my questions. However, I do make it a point to express my feelings about anything and everything on the regular. I already know I can’t control what he does, says or feel so I don’t even try to. When it is something important I want to express I try to do it if all possible in person, or in a phone call or as a last resort via text.
Hi! I am in a long distance relationship. i have problems opening up to him. Once i did a little … told him how i felt when we were fighting and he ignored me ! And the next night he just said “good night”. Should i tell him how i feel once more but i dont want to scare him by writing him a paragraph.
I have a problem also… You see, I am in love with a guy and he is in love with me(or so he says). Except, we get really into each other and then one day he starts ignoring me.. A few weeks later my friend tells me that this guy that so called loves me, has a girlfriend. I honestly didn’t want to believe it, but soon I got up tbe courage and used a friends phone to text him. He asked who it was and I told him that I was this new girlfriend of his.. He started acting flirty so I send him a really angry text and told him if was me. He started being rude and then he told me that he didn’t want to have the other girlfriend and that it was just an accident that they were going out! Can you believe it?! Then he broke up with her a MONTH later and finally texts me that he was sorry and that he really cared about me, and us. I tried to ignore him, but he is one of the guys whose words are like butter melting and were so sweet I just couldn’t ignore him! I forgave him and he acts so nice until just last week he was acting strange and ignoring half the things I ask or say.. I think he is tired of our relationship or something, or he has found another girl.. let me tell you, that wouldnt even be the second time.. What do I do??:,(
and he just blocked my number when Ive been trying to talk to him :,(
He is clearly a liar and a cheater who has no shame about being caught and emotionally manipulating you. Our advice is to leave him now, and don’t look back.
Start here:How To Leave A Bad Relationship
Good luck,
SoR
I’m all confused about my ex boyfriend… We dated for about 9months before we broke up. we have been broke up for about the same 8-9 months. in the time we broke up both of us had seen other people. he would call me or text from time to time to ask and see if we were cool and could remain friend’s! I was not very nice during this time. I loved him and was hurt. we are both single and he started calling and texting.. Im not over him so yea I gave in we finally seen each other and hung out one night and went to lunch the next day. We ended up sleeping together.. Things were good but he kept telling me that he wants to take it slow step by step.. he keeps breaking promises often ignoring my text. this past weekend he said he was going to a local bar when I asked with who he said I don’t know was going to ask you.. then ignored me the rest of the night.. he spoke with one of my best friends that night told her that I was crazy and I want to date but he wants to take it slow. now he has ignored every call and text for tha last two nights…. what am I to do? I don’t want to lose him again!!! soo hurt!!!
I met a guy … 1 date … 3 months of heavy texting. No intimacy. No sexting. Definete attraction … He recently ended an engagement and was dealing with alot of emotions. I understood that.
Talked openly about alot of things and began to get really close … Both of us. I knew there was lots of baggage but thought no matter where it went we could be supportive.
He played the cafeteria text 3 times recently. I called him on every one when he would come back for the comfort of having me on the other end of his phone. The 1st time he admitted he didn’t deal with it cuz of “feelings” and getting hurt. I gave him a get out of jail free card.
The last time I let him know how this was creating an issue in our friendship and that this kind of communication wouldn’t work for me. he ignored that. The next day I ended it in a text.
I’m sad … 3 months spent getting emotionally invested in creating a friendship and its over because he doesn’t like to deal with feelings. I cant make him step it up and get through it if he doesnt want too.
I want a mature relationship … friendship … whatever label we put on it. I was becoming very frustrated and agitated. I think we could have continued this connection as long as I allowed it on his terms.
I do feel like a bitch and I do feel guilty for being blatantly honest and ending it…but bottom line is it wasnt working for me and he didn’t care enough to step it up and even respond to a stupid text.
I’m glad I read this article … I feel more secure in my choice.
PS We are not kids….35 and 40….sheesh. We get what we allow.
Hi I’ve had the same scenario with my boyfriend for two years now, he only responds when it suits him and I feel like I am constantly nagging, which I hate. I’ve tried to play the game back but it doesn’t seem to bother him too much if I don’t respond to his messages right away. I’ve talked to him about it but still he doesn’t change.
Last night I went a step to far perhaps, I was asking him a simple question, would he be over Friday as we’re due to go out with friends, he didn’t reply. He’d also said earlier in the day he would call me and by 11pm I was getting annoyed as I wanted to go to sleep. I sent him a text saying ‘Yes will meet you tomorrow, but can’t be out long. Same place?’ Within two minutes I had a text back, ‘What? that text wasn’t for me’.
Haha, very childish of me I know but I responded ‘No, but funny how quick you have responded to it’ and then sent a text saying is it any wonder I have trust issues and act insecure when you can’t respond to messages or return calls when you’ve said you will.
This morning I get a ‘morning’ text back. I so want to reply and say I know it’s very childish of me but he needs to see that his behaviour has an impact of my mental health too, so I responded with a simple ‘morning’.
I hate this situation I’m in but it’s great/not so great to see I am not alone. Some of the other posts on here have been great in helping me to understand why some men are like this.
Hi I’ve been reading all your comments and they are very helpful. I am in a similar situation at the moment but after 4 years I’ve finally cracked. Basically I was friends with a guy for years we spoke every day, some say we were like a couple but we didn’t really see eachother to call us that. We did care about eachother a lot though. Anyway 6 months ago he came to meet me and we had a great night I realised how much I loved him and I’m sure he did too. But for some reason a gw weeks later he wanted to be left alone. He proceded to ignore all my texts and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He ignores me all the time. But even though I say we were friends for years he is a true example of this texting malachy you speak of. Basically every few months he would want to ignore me I don’t know why and he would ask for space, I would do that and give him time but he would then get moody with me. I could never win. He would pick and choose when he wanted to talk to me and now we are no longer friend. I’m really upset and not sure what to do
Hello every one this is my first time here. i got a problem with my husband i send him text massages since 8 am in the morning so 6 hours from now he dosent reply. i wonder what happen he dosent answer my massages. please advice me.
It is rude and thoughtless to not reply to your partner’s messages. Is your husband’s behaviour similarly unkind in the rest of your relationship? If so, you might want to reconsider being in a relationship with him, as this kind of disrespect should not be tolerated.
Good luck!
SoR
I’m so glad that some of these articles are written by men, because without knowing that there are intelligent feminist men out there who question male privilege, I would become a misandrist after reading these comments. Too many women have had terrible experiences with men who claim to love them.
In my own life, I’ve seen men get away with abhorrent behavior, and it starts small, like with the disrespect of ignoring your partner’s words when you don’t feel like answering.
Please keep the articles coming. I need to believe that there are decent men out there who want to change things. Around here, they’re incredibly hard to find.