Is he ignoring your text messages? Read this!

14 Dec

Sisters of Resistance would like to cross post this brilliant article from the current conscience on the power and domination men have in society and their decision to use this power to selectively, and insensitively, not text back the women in their personal lives. We have found this article both useful and very relevant. We feel readers may enjoy the below in conjunction with our articles on “Mobile Phone Based Lies” and the types of men we are advised to avoid.

His Selective Communication

Originally posted by Yashar Ali on 12-12-2011 here || Like Yashar’s fb page  ||Follow Yashar on Twitter

There’s no doubt that the primary way in which we now communicate is via text-message, email, and social media. Phone calls have fallen by the wayside.

Electronic communication has changed the dynamics of how we interact, creating both benefits and problems.

One problem that continuously arises in romantic relationships is the way in which men control the conversation by selectively ignoring texts and emails.

I like to call this behavior cafeteria responding.

That’s right. Just like when you go to a cafeteria, and walk around, picking and choosing what you want to eat, men who engage in cafeteria responding are also picking and choosing the messages and responses that appeal to them most. Leaving you hanging…

Melodie, age 35, has seen this pattern of behavior play out in her last two relationships. Anytime she would text or email something that made these men uncomfortable, whether she was attempting to address an argument that had taken place, ask for clarification about the relationship, or request something that they didn’t want to do, they would ignore the text. Either, they would go silent right away and wait for her to text again, or they would text her a few hours later, about some other issue, as if nothing had happened.

The point is, no matter what the issue, whether it was something major or something small, if it was a concern or question her boyfriend didn’t want to deal with, the solution was simple: ignore. They pretended like the message was never sent and would move on to the next issue.

But the silence became a vicious cycle as Melodie began confining these issues–the ones she knew were touchy and uncomfortable–to text message. She figured that if they didn’t want to answer or talk about it through text, they definitely wouldn’t want to answer in person, “If he didn’t respond by text, there’s no way I would have the courage to ask him in person. I just felt like I would be ambushing him.”

Of course, in lacking an outlet and someone with whom to discuss the issues that were important to her, Melodie was left feeling frustrated and emotionally unfulfilled. So, she was sacrificing her own emotional health for her boyfriend’s emotional comfort.

Lisa, 47, found that she would deal with her discomfort, in reaching out to her husband about emotional matters, by burying the question or comment in one or two other texts, “I just felt better if I didn’t hit him with the issue directly.”

Of course, her husband responded to her other messages and ignored the emotionally difficult text.

Kristy, 32, often faces this challenge when she reaches out to her boyfriend about emotional matters. And what does he say when she confronts him about being a cafeteria responder?

“I always get the excuse from him that he doesn’t know how to respond to stuff ‘like that.’ Maybe I should forward his own long emotional emails, that he wrote to me, back to him. The emails he writes when HE was scared of losing me and poured HIS heart out…”

Many of the women I spoke to felt that it’s always better to get a response to their questions–even if it’s a response that is not to their liking–than to be completely ignored, “I feel so hurt when he literally just ignores something I have said or asked. Am I not worth it? And why do I keep trying? Why can’t he just come out with with an answer?”

We men (and I am including myself in this) often get a free pass when it comes to crappy communication skills. Some of the women in my life who have dealt with this sort of behavior make excuses for the men in their lives, “Oh, he’s just tired,” or “He’s shy. He’s just so busy,” or “It’s hard for him to get emotional.”

You know what? I take a hard line on this: be an adult, grow up, and stop acting like a child. Trust me, and I speak broadly here, women do not get the same free pass as men do. They don’t have the privilege of acting like a teenager.

Alison, 39, gets a raft of guilt from her boyfriend if she doesn’t respond to his “important” messages, “He acts as if I have just committed a major offense, like cheating. It’s one of the worst things I could do to him. I get texts like ‘hello???? where are you?’ Sometimes minutes after the initial text. But if I say something about his regular tendency to ignore me, he just makes me feel like an overly sensitive nut job.”

The women I interviewed for this column generally admitted to not calling their men partners out on cafeteria responding because they didn’t want to seem crazy or needy, “I’m not going to be that woman, the one that I’m scared of becoming: a nagger. But it’s hard because I feel entrapped because I can’t discuss what I want to discuss…ever.”

This isn’t about someone being busy and occasionally not responding to a text or email; when we’re all in a frantic rush, we forget to follow up. And it also isn’t about someone who wants to express themselves emotionally and has a difficult time.

This is about a consistent pattern of behavior. It’s about controlling the conversation.

And of course, there’s no better or easier place to control communication than through electronic means. Most of us would have difficulty (and yes I know there are exceptions to this) literally ignoring someone if he/she were sitting directly in front of us. However, the awkwardness of ignoring someone in person disappears when we’re talking by text or e-mail.

A failure to confront or a conscious ignoring of an issue is part of the human condition. It’s so much easier to avoid rather than react, but when it comes to romantic partnerships, so much of a man’s cafeteria responding is rooted in male entitlement, power over women. Men may feel okay about ignoring others, but when it happens to them, they openly complain about it and everyone around them scrambles to fix the situation. Talk about male privilege.

Slowly, but surely, after dealing with a partner who is consciously ignoring their questions and concerns, some women live in a world where they somehow manage to convince themselves that they are being good partners–that in some areas of the relationship, they have to compromise. Goes back to my least favorite phrase, “It’s just the way he is.” No one said compromise means compromising your opinions and emotional health.

And there’s always an excuse, right? His phone was not working, no reception, your email was in his spam, he didn’t have his phone with him, etc.

But that’s all bullshit. When there is a message men want to respond to, the response is instantaneous. This can be said for all of us, both men and women. But in terms of relationships and the male-female dynamic, women are left holding the bag when it comes to this cafeteria responding.

And day-by-day, that bag seems to get heavier–doesn’t it?

_________________________________

Check out the original article: http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/12/12/his-selective-communication/

And Yashar’s other articles: http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/author/yashar/

68 Responses to “Is he ignoring your text messages? Read this!”

  1. Kizze' Talks About December 14, 2011 at 7:19 pm #

    Until reading this, I really felt alone in my text to text situation. To be dealing with someone almost five years and to come down to text that don’t get responses, has made me truly feel like shit.

    I’m now pregnant with his twins and are communication is now basically invisible. Just like it was said in the blog, if he can’t answer me in a text then why would I ask him in person. But I am tired of the lame excuses. And I have over 2000 text going back and forth and nothing ever getting solved.

    Now he doesn’t answer my text at all, tells me he doesn’t read my books. And after all this time to be pregnant and not have one ounce of communication is killing me inside. I feel that instead of building me up with confidence as his woman by answering questions and solving matters, he would rather see me hurt.

    Now I might get a call and Its hard for me to even answer it because when ever I confront the situation at hand it’s turns into an argument. Then it goes to an all day text session that goes no where.

    I feel he can’t get over himself enough to put this pregnancy situation first. Its so obvious in the text that he doesn’t read them and responses to whatever he wants. Now, I have become so angry I say such negative things, because I am not being listened to, cared for, or put first in a situation that is so very important.

    One thing that ticks me off the most is he shares these text with others and only shows them the negative. Like how did it get there in the first place, he wants other to make him feel like he is so right and is doing the right thing by not being here because of what has been said in a text.

    But he had been around all this time and now he wants to take leave when I pregnant. blame it on text. Makes no sense. It’s just plain selfish. I’m already emotional.

    Sorry so long just had to get it out.

    • Sista Resista December 14, 2011 at 9:36 pm #

      Dear Kizze,

      Thanks for writing us and sorry you are having to deal with such insensitive, uncaring behaviour from your partner, especially at this stage of your pregnancy. It is shocking to us how many men can be so cold just when you could use their help and support the most. There are number of things wrong with this picture: the fact that he doesn’t respond, that he gossips (yes, gossips) about you to others, and that he doesn’t seem to care about how his insensitivity affects you.

      We know this is a hard thing to consider, but it has been our experience that men who treat women poorly don’t tend to improve their behavior, so if you stay with him, it may get worse. It doesn’t sound like you live together — how often do you usually speak/see each other? Are you able to get some space away from him for some time? Maybe consider cutting off communication with him temporarily, because he doesn’t deserve your love or attention if it is not reciprocated, and you deserve better than a man who will leave you hanging while you are pregnant. Can you reach out for support from his or your side of the family (mothers, sisters, etc) or a local mothers’ support group who might be able to get involved with caring for you and the babies to come? Unfortunately there are no easy answers here, but please remember that you have done nothing wrong. His selfishness, although a major problem, is holding HIM back, not you, and ruining his happy family life while you are learning how best to care for yourself and your young ones.

      We also recommend reaching out to local midwives’ agencies and arranging for a doula to help you leading up to, during and after the birthing process. You deserve support and care, and a dedicated doula may be one way you can make sure that you have it during this time. We wish you love and luck; please write again if we can be of any help.

      All the best
      SoR

      • Violet08 February 14, 2012 at 7:33 am #

        I just want to chime in and say that the recommendation to find a doula is right on. My man was cheating on me and pulling a whole load of hula while I was pregnant, and now looking back, I wish I woulda left him, gotten myself an awesome doula and accepted the fact that I was going to be a single mama before I gave birth. Instead, I realized something wasn’t right with him as I was going into labor, which kinda was a big downer. It’s real important to be collected, and strong, and to feel really supported when you’re giving birth. I have another single mama friend who did just that — got real with herself before she gave birth, and she did it all on her own, knowing she was doing it all on her own. Being a single mama is actually really sweet in a lot of ways, because the bond is super strong between mama and baby. (Or babies in your case.) Even though sometimes it can be hard, which is why a good support system helps a lot, overall, I would say that at least I don’t have to deal with someone elses BS, and can just focus on my little one. Our children really teach us about what unconditional love is about.

    • Nikki February 14, 2013 at 4:00 am #

      I completely understand as I’m going through the same thing!

  2. Andy December 14, 2011 at 9:20 pm #

    Actually I think this may be rooted in men being conditioned to suppress/avoid emotions (except anger), which easily extends to others’ emotions too.

    Agreed re: it’s always better to get an unwanted response than to be ignored. From my point of view, anyway. However, I wonder if for someone with a big ego, it’s better to be ignored? Also agreed re the double standard. I still find it frankly perplexing how widespread it is for men to expect things to work one way only in relationships

    However, the use of ageist and responsibilist terminology worries me here… The model of “normal mature adult subject” has a long history, complete with its characteristic exclusions (including, historically, women); and there’s a more recent, neoliberal history of individualising social problems by implying they’re about people not accepting responsibility for their failings (the main reason for which is that the poor are to blame for poverty – their problem is their lack of skills or employability – “no excuses”). I think the dominant image of a mature adult subject is someone conditioned into dominant norms, performing allotted roles in social production and reproduction (the “good subject” in Althusser’s terms). Now, of course there are also people who can’t or won’t fit into the imposed roles/norms, for all kinds of reasons – psychological difference, cultural difference, disability, politics and so on… they’re the “bad subjects”. And the system puts the “bad subjects” under siege to coerce them to be “good subjects”, or at least make their suppression seem their own fault. What worries me here is a repetition of the good/bad subject model from a progressive point of view – altering the definition of normal/mature/adult but keeping the abyssal bar in place. The “refusal to grow up”, the refusal to be a good adult subject in a system which shouldn’t even exist, even a certain incommunicability, might be important forms of resistance… and especially “whatever-singularity”, refusing the gesture of dividing people into the normal-mature ingroup and the bad-subject outgroup… I’m reminded of “Moving toward the Ugly” here (“Those of us who stand outside the circle of this society’s definition of acceptable women”).

    Otherwise great post as usual :-) Keep up the good work.

    • Sista Resista November 6, 2012 at 10:49 pm #

      Really good points, Andy. We need to be careful of using normative language and making sure we are not being inadvertently exclusive. Thanks for the reminder.

      Be well,
      SoR

  3. Kizze' Talks About December 15, 2011 at 12:38 am #

    Reblogged this on Kizze Writes and commented:
    It’s a bit of a relief I’m not alone in this. Just wish it wasn’t an issue.

  4. Bethany July 19, 2012 at 8:29 pm #

    Thank you for your thoughts on men who don’t respond, or cafeteria respond. No one wants to be ignored, and it can often be a double-standard with men. I’ve been thinking about the texting/email thing and I would give the advice to not text or email unless it uplifting or factual. Sending an emotionally charged text with questions that are being demanded, isn’t a fair way to confront someone. The person who sending the text is avoiding real confrontation just as much as the person ignoring the text. If you have something to confront a man about, wait until he leads in pursuing a time with you to meet or chat on the phone. Bring it up to him gently, and state how you feel without attacking him. Ask yourself how you would like him to confront you? Men have feelings too, sometimes men are even more emotional then women. If a man does conistently ignore your text, phone calls, or just in plain general the way you feel, its time to move on. You deserve to be with a man who strives to protect your heart, respects you, pursues & wants just you, and is willing to be a man who provides. A good man will desire to be in a partnership with you. He will do his best to listen and care about your feelings. It won’t always be all about HIM. If he continues to disrespect you, wait until you have a time to meet or chat on the phone and then bring it up to him. If he tries to make your fault, avoids the topic, or just wants argue—he is not the guy for you. He doesn’t care about you, he cares about him. But, before you go trying to confront him ask yourself these questions: Have I done anything that has offended him & I should apologize? Is he going through something that is making him act this way–is this normal behavior? Is just always like this–is he a jerk? If the answer is that he is a jerk, you should still confront him. See how he responds–if it is riddled with lies, excuses, or anger. Tell him its time for you to move on. If he doesn’t care about you now, he won’t care about you later. You can’t make a man respond, want, or love you. Don’t be so desperate to be with him, that you lose sight of being you and finding someone who actually cares about you and WANTS you.

  5. sadovs August 22, 2012 at 6:39 am #

    I started dating a guy who was very affectionate at the start who wanted to see me and would call and text.
    One day i send him a text saying have a good day. (relax i didn’t expect a reply and he didn’t reply.)
    later that afternoon around 5pm I text saying how was your day? a fair enough question to ask I thought… I received no reply all night so I continued on with things I had to do.
    I received no reply the next morning either, now I’ve never been a pushy person with him in general however I felt concerned that there was no response, so I texted him with a “are you ok?” He replied within 10 to 20 mins later with something like yes I’m good.. how’s your holidays going?
    Instantly I deleted all his texts messages and I refuse to reply as I thought.. how dare he pick and choose what he wants to respond to. ( you wont even reply to how was your day?)
    Now I’m not one to generally write on blogs normally i can figure things out for myself however i found this blog and i can relate to how annoying it is for a person to be like this.

    I wonder? is there any solution or any kind of payback for someone who does this to you? if he calls me tomorrow or tonight even because I haven’t replied and he (may) be concerned I’d like an idea of pretending it doesn’t bother me. no women can be happy with a person like this. it has put me right off dating him. I don’t think it’s “just the way he is” I think it’s a problem he has to change if he wants a girl like me.

    Anyone ever dated a guy like this and actually found a solution? I’d be interested to hear it.

    • Patty September 21, 2012 at 9:49 am #

      Your story sounds familiar. I went out with this guy once. I met him through a friend, on FB and he asked me out very soon. We had a good time, got very romantic at the end of the evening, but after that first date, he hasn’t really talked to me that much. He’s not a chatter box in person so I’m assuming maybe he’s even more quiet through text, however, communication with him is almost unbearable. He txts sometimes and his texts are short. If I respond fast (I respond fast to everyone, regardless – not only because it’s him), he sometimes doesn’t even respond back. It’s like he initiatives the convo but doesn’t follow through (so annoying and irritating). It takes him a while or even hours to reply and yes, I know he has a crappy phone/service, but I’m sure he DOES get my texts because he responds fast when he wants. I’ve noticed he’s ignored me more than once. I honestly don’t know why us -women- put up with men who ignore us. It’s obvious they’re not really into us or else, they’d want to talk to us more, they would pursue us and most importantly, they would never ignore us. The red flags are all over the place, and especially when we just met someone and these signs show up so early on, we should know better that the guy in question is not into us enough, he’s not a keeper and we should simply say “NEXT!”

    • susan jenkinson July 20, 2014 at 9:44 am #

      Its him think we have to learn to be more strong and be more like men let them worry why we haven’t replied

  6. Deliyah September 4, 2012 at 8:38 pm #

    Yeah he/she is so right about the cafeteria responding , I like the way he/she explained it !

  7. Kathia September 16, 2012 at 8:46 am #

    I thought it was me too. Anytime I mention important stuff to me he days he’s I don’t need this extra stuff I’m going thru a lot. I do everything for him a he doesn’t call back or text back but will comment on facebook w his friends. I feel taken for granted a bottled up. He doesn’t get how wrong he is. It really sucks bec its upsetting a it makes me feel like I don’t matter. I’m just really mad at him a he doesn’t get it. I wish I didn’t love him.

    • yahayra September 20, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

      This is GREAT support and response. I love the cafeteria response; I can relate to it so well. I am on my six month of pregnancy I work and go to school trying to finish up my BA, I have 2 daughters which have been very supportive. Unfortunately my partner has never been around and we may talk off and on every 3 weeks or so. Everytime we get into an argument I get the same response which is nothing.. Then I find myself texting books and he only responds to what he wants. I even broke down and found myself begging for his support (Which I have never done) and he completely ignored me then apologized the next day. I went through my first two pregnancies by myself I figured this one should be a piece of cake I can pick myself up I dont really need anyone. Except during this pregnancy I am doing more than my last two. Everything is more demanding between my job and school. Oh and not to mention when I found out I was pregnant he tells me ” He is still in love with his ex- (baby mom). Which slapped me in the face.. I just dont want to be angry and carry this with me.. this is painfull. Until recently all of a sudden he is calling me, and sending sweet messages.. I dont understand…. I do know that I have cutt him off.. I just dont want to be vulnerable with him….. But I see I am not the only one…. so if you guys made it through I know I can as well…..

      • Sista Resista November 6, 2012 at 10:41 pm #

        Dear Yahayra, sorry for the late reply. You deserve better treatment, and the only way to do that is to cut him off completely. He is not there for you when you need it, is emotionally unavailable, and is using you as a crutch for when he feels lonely. You will be better off without him and his emotional manipulation. Count on dependable family and friends who you know are on your side; you don’t need him, and your daughters and new child will be better off without him toying with their affections. You will definitely make it! We wish you all the best.

        Love,
        Sisters of Resistance

    • susan jenkinson July 20, 2014 at 9:45 am #

      That’s just it we fall for men so easily we cant help our feelings and shouldn’t be ashamed

  8. Maria September 18, 2012 at 12:34 am #

    So do I confront him? Should I tell him its unfair, and that all im trying to do is be his friend, because its hella annoying. Or would bringing it up just make it worse.

    • Sista Resista November 6, 2012 at 10:43 pm #

      Hi Maria,
      If he’s not working with you, our policy is that 1. he probably won’t learn and 2. it’s not your responsibility to teach him. Let him go his way and you go yours. You will be better for it, and maybe in the long run he will learn that the reason he keeps losing friends and lovers is because he doesn’t treat them right. But if he doesn’t learn, it won’t be your problem.

      Take good care,
      Sisters of Resistance

  9. difficult September 30, 2012 at 10:14 pm #

    Im so happy i found this article.I literally thought i was the only girl going through this.Now ive been talking to his guy for almost 5 years and he is not my boyfriend.He treats me as if we are in a relationship but yet to have the title. Our conversation would be so dry especially when i would ask him serious questions.He would ignore me and write to me the same thing after hours of ignoring me.”wyd” Now i find myself wondering if he even loves me forreal or is this all a game.I would dare ask him but im not sure if its such a great idea.

  10. Deeply Hurt October 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    My significant other and I started talking when we found out that both our spouses were cheating on us (not with each other). His wife wanted nothing to do with him, but my husband was apologetic and wanted to work on our marriage. I refused. Anyway, we fell in love..or at least I did..I became pregnant after 5 months of being with him and when I told him, he ignored me for two days straight. I would text him, call him and nothing. On the second day he called me apologizing…that he was scared and promised that he would NEVER leave me alone again; that he would be there for me no matter what happens. I’m not proud, but I had an abortion and we stayed together. In fact, our love (or so I thought) grew stronger. What I didn’t mention is that we live in two different states and after a year of being together, I packed up my bags and two kids (from my husband) and moved to be closer to him. To see where things would go. I found out a week ago that I was pregnant again. I panicked…I was so scared that he would do what he did to me before so I told him by text…what a mistake…it was worse than the last time…he wouldn’t respond; I kept writing to him via text and email. I even called and pretty much begged..which I NEVER do…for him to at least text me. I told him about not having any support in this new city…I told him how scared I was, etc….and he never responded. I thought two days was bad before…but this time it wasn’t until he must have realized that I’m not going away that he finally responded…that was on the 6th day. After pouring out my heart to him, I got…can I see you tomorrow? I asked if it was because he felt obligated and he responded…we need to talk…I feel like such an ass right now…I feel like he just wants me to go away. I really believed he loved me or I wouldn’t have moved…I really believed he wanted to be with me…what a fool I was! Even when we talk is on his terms…he doesn’t even know if he can really see me…I have to wait and see if he’ll text. This is pathetic…I am pathetic!!! I never thought in a million years that I would be going through this. I am educated and have a great job..I take care of me and my kids…how the hell did I let myself be duped?

    • Sista Resista October 11, 2012 at 4:27 pm #

      Hi,

      Sounds like you left one bad situation for another. We are so sorry to hear this. You are not pathetic, you were just the victim of men who are uncaring and disloyal. It is a common story and you are not alone. But you are also a survivor. The most important thing to do now is focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. You can build community in the new city or you can choose to go back to where you know people and have support, but do not base your long-term life decisions on men who have not done the same for you. The new one, who does not respond to you, is not worth your time. Your ex, the father of your children, might play a good role in helping to raise your kids but you are not beholden to him. Work on disentangling your emotions from your past two relationships and practicing self-love and self-care, a good model to pass on to your children. It will be hard but it will be worth it. Sending you lots of love, and wishing you the best now and in the future.

      In solidarity,
      SoR

  11. dustyfootgirl October 11, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    thank you all for the article and responses. I feel some strength in knowing others are experiencing the same thing. I really love Patty’s response; “NEXT”!!! How can we expect to be treated with respect and courtesy if we continuously demonstrate that we will accept being shit on? For me, what’s important to remember here is that A) he would respond if he was really into you (just like he probably does when he is feeling loving toward you), and B) it’s not going to improve and in fact will probably get worse as he sees what he is capable of getting away with.
    My advise to all of us, just let it be. Much like a big ugly pimple, we are tempted to squeeze and pick until it bursts and becomes a scar that takes much much longer to heal and go away. Just relax, try to focus on something else, and if he is ever going to come around he will do it without your facilitation. If he isn’t, well he probably wasn’t going to anyway.
    For the women who are pregnant or have children with these men, I know it’s not so simple, but I still think you stand to gain from trying to focus your energies on things that enrich your life and help you grow.

    • Sista Resista November 6, 2012 at 10:47 pm #

      Your advice is sound, and we definitely agree. These men don’t deserve your love, your time, or your energy. Instead, putting your energies into loving and caring for yourself (and your children, if you have them) and enriching your life, as you put it, is definitely the way forward!

      Thanks for the tips,
      Sisters of Resistance

  12. Nunu October 16, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    I loved my boy friend, he was loving me, but now he didn’t reply my massage till, it have been two days
    He didnt reply me till
    What can I do please help me

  13. Diane October 23, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    They are just being ignorant and they do it because they can. I’ve now come to the conclusion, if a guy treats me that way I do the same to him -simple

    • Sista Resista November 6, 2012 at 10:45 pm #

      That’s the spirit. We totally agree.

      SoR

  14. CJB November 4, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    Just found out I was pregant with twins from a man that I’ve know for 25 years. He was oh so loving and when I became pregnant he became the alpha male. It is almost like he wants to see what I will put up with. One minute he is loving and the next minute he is hanging the phone up on me and not responding to my text. Then he laughs about all of it because it is funny to him. I am double emotional at this point and need him to be the man I thought I knew. It all seems like a game to him and I am so hurt, confused, and alone. I am tired of my friends picking up his slack. Please help somebody, I feel like I am on the verge of an emotional breakdown when I need an emotional break through…..

    • Sista Resista December 24, 2012 at 3:07 am #

      Dear CJB,

      Apologies for the lateness of this reply, just seen your comment. It must be very difficult for you to feel abandoned by someone you have known and trusted for such a long time. If he is not responding to you, he is clearly very selfish and only cares for himself, not for you or your children. It would be in your best interest to separate yourself from him, cut communication, and only deal with him through formal (legal) channels so that you are able to obtain the support to which you and your children are entitled. He will never “be the man you thought you knew” because it seems he was fooling you all along, and it is only now that the “real him” has shown itself. It is important that you take control at this point. Your well being and that of your children depend on it. Your friends sound like they are supportive, but they can help you best when he is no longer allowed in your life and space, as he will only continue to toy with your emotions and manipulate you. You will be stronger, safer, and better off without him.

      Wishing you all the best,
      SoR

  15. Yeth November 17, 2012 at 9:43 pm #

    Hi good day to you thanks for this article it’s really helpful. I really my bf but many times I felt like taken for granted. We only see each other once a week he picked me up from work then I slept over to his house. My problem I want to talk to him every the end of the day but he is not answering my calls, instead I received a text that he is tired.

    He blocked me from his fb account the reason was I found out that he’s flirting with a lot of women & I commented one of his comment there that stop flirting here Hun you’re already taken so everybody knew I am his gf. Then I post to his wall beware Hun from now on I will be watching you here. He said he felt embarrassed of what I posted.

    Because of that I felt mad at him then I stopped calling & texting him for a month. Then, he said common Hun lets move in together I just don’t like you’re telling me what to do. He said, you are not the one who’s going to control in this relationship, I am the king therefore you follow me. He said he wanted to have baby with me but am hesitant because of this issue he’s not answering my calls. He texted everyday & i replied to him but sometime he didn’t reply to my text.

    He said let’s move in together but one time I’d like to stay with him for 3 days but he said- no you can’t because I have a lot of things to do I am very busy nowadays. So, it confused me why he wanted to move in with me if I can’t stay 3days in his house? Is it because when he asked I replied to him that I can’t because my work is too far & am not driving he’s the one who pick & bring me back to work?

    And one thing he has tagged account too I saw his profile that his old gf was still there is it mean to say he still love his old gf? I asked him to remove it from his profile but he wouldn’t. But why he always told me that if am not a jealous type he would marry me? I told him I don’t ask you to marry me being faithful & loyal to me is a greatest gift. I told him marriage is just a piece of paper the important is how we get along together.

    Thanks for reading & hoping for your reply & advice. God bless!
    Karen

    • Sista Resista November 26, 2012 at 12:12 pm #

      Hello Karen,

      Sounds like you are in a bad relationship. If any man says to you “I am the king therefore you follow me,” you need to get as far away from him as you can, as fast as possible. He does not treat you with respect and he is playing with your feelings in order to use you for his benefit. When you stayed away from him for a month, he decided to pull out the big guns and ask you to move in with him not because he loves you, but because he was afraid you had decided to move on. And that is exactly what you should do. Leave him, he doesn’t deserve you.

      Have a look at our advice on how to leave a bad relationship: http://sistersofresistance.wordpress.com/resources/sista-resista-library/how-to-leave-a-bad-relationship-series/ We hope it can help you to get away from him and start learning to love and cherish yourself!

      Wishing you all the best,
      SoR

    • IISHA Benjamin September 2, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

      Hi Karen,not sure when you posted this,but I would like to say this man is not serious about you.If you only see him once a week and hes making all these excuses its because he has a women,and your just his once a week bit on the side so to speak.The signs are there,he’s got double accounts,with his ex gf so he tells you,but if he weren’t with her then why won’t he delete her pic?? The fact that he has blocked you is also a red flag,don’t believe his excuses that you was embarrassing.This man is clearly playing games with your mind and that is clear.All the talk about moving in, is his way of making you think you have a real future together.I would be very careful about having a baby for this man as he will probably leave you to raise his child on your own.Word of advice,never follow a mans words,look at his actions…… The fact you have doubts is your intuition speaking to you and warning you.If I were you I would move on with your life,You can do better and will find someone who appreciates you for the lady you are.If you stay this may cause more heart break and upset,run while you can.

      IBEE.

  16. RLD December 3, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

    I can relate to the whole texting and not getting a response to certain text I send. To be quite honest when i first met this guy I am dating he told me he didnt like to text because sometimes words can become misunderstood. I agreed with him after we had a texting misunderstanding and didnt talk for several weeks before I contacted him and acted like I had misplaced his phone number. We still communicate via text and there are a lot of times that I text him a question and I dont get a response. I don’t get mad because I have gotten to know him and I realize some of my questions or comments he might not have an opinion or he might not feel the same way or he might just be trying to spare my feelings. So I let a lot of stuff go in terms of trying to get a response or an answer to my questions. However, I do make it a point to express my feelings about anything and everything on the regular. I already know I can’t control what he does, says or feel so I don’t even try to. When it is something important I want to express I try to do it if all possible in person, or in a phone call or as a last resort via text.

  17. Sasha December 7, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    Hi! I am in a long distance relationship. i have problems opening up to him. Once i did a little … told him how i felt when we were fighting and he ignored me ! And the next night he just said “good night”. Should i tell him how i feel once more but i dont want to scare him by writing him a paragraph.

  18. Aoja December 15, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    I have a problem also… You see, I am in love with a guy and he is in love with me(or so he says). Except, we get really into each other and then one day he starts ignoring me.. A few weeks later my friend tells me that this guy that so called loves me, has a girlfriend. I honestly didn’t want to believe it, but soon I got up tbe courage and used a friends phone to text him. He asked who it was and I told him that I was this new girlfriend of his.. He started acting flirty so I send him a really angry text and told him if was me. He started being rude and then he told me that he didn’t want to have the other girlfriend and that it was just an accident that they were going out! Can you believe it?! Then he broke up with her a MONTH later and finally texts me that he was sorry and that he really cared about me, and us. I tried to ignore him, but he is one of the guys whose words are like butter melting and were so sweet I just couldn’t ignore him! I forgave him and he acts so nice until just last week he was acting strange and ignoring half the things I ask or say.. I think he is tired of our relationship or something, or he has found another girl.. let me tell you, that wouldnt even be the second time.. What do I do??:,(

    • Aoja December 16, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

      and he just blocked my number when Ive been trying to talk to him :,(

    • Sista Resista December 17, 2012 at 12:42 am #

      He is clearly a liar and a cheater who has no shame about being caught and emotionally manipulating you. Our advice is to leave him now, and don’t look back.

      Start here:How To Leave A Bad Relationship

      Good luck,
      SoR

  19. kiki January 22, 2013 at 2:45 am #

    I’m all confused about my ex boyfriend… We dated for about 9months before we broke up. we have been broke up for about the same 8-9 months. in the time we broke up both of us had seen other people. he would call me or text from time to time to ask and see if we were cool and could remain friend’s! I was not very nice during this time. I loved him and was hurt. we are both single and he started calling and texting.. Im not over him so yea I gave in we finally seen each other and hung out one night and went to lunch the next day. We ended up sleeping together.. Things were good but he kept telling me that he wants to take it slow step by step.. he keeps breaking promises often ignoring my text. this past weekend he said he was going to a local bar when I asked with who he said I don’t know was going to ask you.. then ignored me the rest of the night.. he spoke with one of my best friends that night told her that I was crazy and I want to date but he wants to take it slow. now he has ignored every call and text for tha last two nights…. what am I to do? I don’t want to lose him again!!! soo hurt!!!

  20. Cd January 23, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

    I met a guy … 1 date … 3 months of heavy texting. No intimacy. No sexting. Definete attraction … He recently ended an engagement and was dealing with alot of emotions. I understood that.

    Talked openly about alot of things and began to get really close … Both of us. I knew there was lots of baggage but thought no matter where it went we could be supportive.

    He played the cafeteria text 3 times recently. I called him on every one when he would come back for the comfort of having me on the other end of his phone. The 1st time he admitted he didn’t deal with it cuz of “feelings” and getting hurt. I gave him a get out of jail free card.

    The last time I let him know how this was creating an issue in our friendship and that this kind of communication wouldn’t work for me. he ignored that. The next day I ended it in a text.

    I’m sad … 3 months spent getting emotionally invested in creating a friendship and its over because he doesn’t like to deal with feelings. I cant make him step it up and get through it if he doesnt want too.

    I want a mature relationship … friendship … whatever label we put on it. I was becoming very frustrated and agitated. I think we could have continued this connection as long as I allowed it on his terms.

    I do feel like a bitch and I do feel guilty for being blatantly honest and ending it…but bottom line is it wasnt working for me and he didn’t care enough to step it up and even respond to a stupid text.

    I’m glad I read this article … I feel more secure in my choice.

    PS We are not kids….35 and 40….sheesh. We get what we allow.

    • Intelligent woman June 30, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Your scenario is the exact same as mines. In fact the timing and his story is exactly the same… Could be the same asshole I met and communicated with from nov 2012 to may 2013.. A dominate controlling smart socially inept person who claims he broke up with a woman recently & only wanted to give me what I was missing yet picked when he would respond. The courting or grooming was very intense & I felt he knew me better than anyone .. But as soon as I wanted to know more deeply or question the thing we had .. No response.. He is completely crazy and hurt me very very deeply. I want closure and now no response.. He’s 41 and it makes no sense to act this way.

  21. Totter January 30, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

    Hi I’ve had the same scenario with my boyfriend for two years now, he only responds when it suits him and I feel like I am constantly nagging, which I hate. I’ve tried to play the game back but it doesn’t seem to bother him too much if I don’t respond to his messages right away. I’ve talked to him about it but still he doesn’t change.

    Last night I went a step to far perhaps, I was asking him a simple question, would he be over Friday as we’re due to go out with friends, he didn’t reply. He’d also said earlier in the day he would call me and by 11pm I was getting annoyed as I wanted to go to sleep. I sent him a text saying ‘Yes will meet you tomorrow, but can’t be out long. Same place?’ Within two minutes I had a text back, ‘What? that text wasn’t for me’.

    Haha, very childish of me I know but I responded ‘No, but funny how quick you have responded to it’ and then sent a text saying is it any wonder I have trust issues and act insecure when you can’t respond to messages or return calls when you’ve said you will.

    This morning I get a ‘morning’ text back. I so want to reply and say I know it’s very childish of me but he needs to see that his behaviour has an impact of my mental health too, so I responded with a simple ‘morning’.

    I hate this situation I’m in but it’s great/not so great to see I am not alone. Some of the other posts on here have been great in helping me to understand why some men are like this.

  22. goldie February 23, 2013 at 3:30 pm #

    Hi I’ve been reading all your comments and they are very helpful. I am in a similar situation at the moment but after 4 years I’ve finally cracked. Basically I was friends with a guy for years we spoke every day, some say we were like a couple but we didn’t really see eachother to call us that. We did care about eachother a lot though. Anyway 6 months ago he came to meet me and we had a great night I realised how much I loved him and I’m sure he did too. But for some reason a gw weeks later he wanted to be left alone. He proceded to ignore all my texts and now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He ignores me all the time. But even though I say we were friends for years he is a true example of this texting malachy you speak of. Basically every few months he would want to ignore me I don’t know why and he would ask for space, I would do that and give him time but he would then get moody with me. I could never win. He would pick and choose when he wanted to talk to me and now we are no longer friend. I’m really upset and not sure what to do

  23. kris April 14, 2013 at 5:24 am #

    Hello every one this is my first time here. i got a problem with my husband i send him text massages since 8 am in the morning so 6 hours from now he dosent reply. i wonder what happen he dosent answer my massages. please advice me.

    • Sista Resista April 22, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

      It is rude and thoughtless to not reply to your partner’s messages. Is your husband’s behaviour similarly unkind in the rest of your relationship? If so, you might want to reconsider being in a relationship with him, as this kind of disrespect should not be tolerated.

      Good luck!
      SoR

  24. Julianna Weisgarber April 17, 2013 at 2:28 am #

    I’m so glad that some of these articles are written by men, because without knowing that there are intelligent feminist men out there who question male privilege, I would become a misandrist after reading these comments. Too many women have had terrible experiences with men who claim to love them.

    In my own life, I’ve seen men get away with abhorrent behavior, and it starts small, like with the disrespect of ignoring your partner’s words when you don’t feel like answering.

    Please keep the articles coming. I need to believe that there are decent men out there who want to change things. Around here, they’re incredibly hard to find.

  25. Lala78 May 14, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

    Hi!
    I am also experiencing the so called carenderia pick..our relation is only 6months but i feel that he change alot…he is not the same guy who always text me,send me sweet texts….Last May 5 we had a fight in text and he’s saying that maybe he’s not the guy that i want for the rest of my life…i interpreted it as he wants to broke up with me,i do really love him so i beg to him not to leave me because i dont know what will happen to me if he will leave me,i say sorry to him many times …After that incident he change a lot sometimes he will say he feel so sleepy and need to rest and he will not reply on my text. felt so frustrated about it,because i love my boyfriend and im afraid that if i bring this matter to him he will ignore me.But i dont wanna feel this feeling anymore….pls give me some advice.- Lala78

  26. Raymon May 20, 2013 at 3:37 pm #

    Hi,

    I would just like to say that for many men, the reason they don’t respond to emotional texts from their female partner (I can’t talk about any other scenario, as that’s the only one I have experience in) is because of a lack of understanding about their own feelings.

    This is not to excuse men, but I know that when I was involved in intense text/email communication with my X, getting a difficult text quite often engendered fear – fear that if I said the wrong thing she would dump me. It was easier to ignore it, or prevaricate, or joke than it was to process the text without fear of abandonment (yup, I had big time abandonment/neediness issues, as it seems man men do).

    What I had with my X (we were together for over 10 years, and are now the closest of friends), was a lack of understanding of how we communicated differently and what were the critical elements of our relationship we were most vulnerable in. Traditionally men are not expected to process these feelings whereas women are so I had a lot of catching up to do.

    What helped me was a period of active help from my X (and a counselor) to express and explore my feelings so I understood myself better. I was thus able to communicate better.

    Saying all that, if you are afraid to bring up a subject with a person directly, rather than view text/email, then I have to question that decision – that failure of communication as much as the failure of a man to respond to an emotionally difficult text.

    It sounds, from the comments and article here, as though the fear of bringing up a subject is a justification for not speaking about it in person, but the failure to respond to it via text is unfair,

    Aren’t they both?

  27. SleeplessInDenver May 26, 2013 at 8:03 am #

    I had a boyfriend like this and I eventually ended this abusive relationship after 2yrs (it didn’t get abusive until the last 7 months). He would always say, “you’re such a good person and treat me so well, but I don’t know how to love or treat you good, blah blah” He knew this because I put up with this kind of crap from him. It was mentally, emotionally, and psychologically draining. Now that its been 7 months since we broke up and we both have other significant others, he IMs me all the time, always asking how I am and being super polite. But because I’ve moved on, I’m not affected by his contacts one way or another. I treat it as contact from any of my other friends or aquaintances. Unfortunately, this story doesn’t have a rosy ending either… The boyfriend I’m seeing now does the very same thing and ignores me hours on end even when I give him his space for hours on end. He was not a texter anyway even from the beginning but considering we have become more serious in our relationship, I would have thought (& thought wrongly) that I’ve earned the privilege of being a little more entitled to certain communication priveledges than just anyone else. To add insult to injury, I left my first boyfriend who NEVER ignored me for the second one, who eventually did, AND cheated on me to boot! Ladies, there are good men out there who won’t ignore you. I know my dad would never ignore my mom and my first boyfriend would never ignore me, even to this day and to the day I die.

  28. Alessandra July 10, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    Thank you for this article and for those sharing their stories – It takes a lot of courage to speak from the heart and after reading each and every one, it has confirmed that I am not the crazy one. My story goes like this – I worked for an older, v successful director (15 years my senior) as his secretary. Yes, I know about this cliché .. Anyway, for those years working at the office, I was a polite and hard working employee always professional. Well, the hours at work were long and having someone as brilliant and charming as him didn’t help matters. Shortly after I left the company, he contacted me and wanted to meet for a lunch or coffee one late afternoon! Well, I was v naïve at the time and as he was running late that afternoon, it turned out to be a dinner instead! When he walked me to my car later that evening, he kissed me and right afterwards gave me the cold shoulder as if I did something wrong. At that v moment, the whole last five years became a blur and I was left with feelings of embarrassment and guilt as if I was asking for this. Well, after letting yes I say letting 7 years go on like this ie., 12 years in total with touch and go and feeling like an extension of him and his needs, I left him. It took many mini breakups and buckets of tears to get to this point but I have and I will never put myself in such a place ever again. I have chosen me above all and embrace every simple moment in my life if it is in my garden, trying a new recipe or treating myself to a new pair of heels that just so happen to be on sale. :) Life has such a new found meaning today after finding the courage to leave this Passive – aggressive (Covert abusive) relationship. Although I am feeling better today, I remind myself of the importance of taking one day at a time. I no longer harbor resentment towards him but hurt and painful memories of it all. Doesn’t help matters when you try to talk about it as adults six months after the breakup and all he wanted to do is take a read on me during this time to see if I wanted to come back to him and to his never ending crap! He even controlled phone calls as to when he would call and in my case, screen what little calls I did initiate in all these years (perhaps less than 10). Mind you I am an independent woman who never chased him .. When I asked to speak with him about it all recently, well he ignored my messages and only responded to the ones that he was interested in. (Cafeteria responding) To make matters worse, I recently endured a small surgery (pre-breast cancer) and knowing that I was having surgery that day, he never even sent me a text! Not that I am asking him to be as supportive and loving as my family and friends are, but I don’t understand how someone could be that indifferent knowing all this. When I called him on it, he responded by saying how he was thinking of me and was thinking of sending a text himself before even hearing from me! Mind you, this man is v influential who can decide to step out of any meeting or receive any message between his three phones! Further, he always said how classy and beautiful I am as a young, professional woman. I know there was and never will be a consideration for my feelings as control, fear and narcism are at the core of such an influential business man. I guess he feels entitled, but I for one will remind myself each and every day of my value. Having him end all form of contact with me when I only asked for a moment of his time for a call (even still exercising my polite ways with him after all this) .. He responded by sending me one final text in the attempt to dismiss me. I only pray that I will remain positive towards men as text messaging and such poor choices in communication have left me feeling rather hurt and discouraged. Thank you for listening and have a lovely day.

  29. Yana August 3, 2013 at 1:28 am #

    I just broke up with my partner 2 days ago. She said it is over. I still want to work things out because we are loving couple. She did said we are loving couple n love eachother so much but she just cant do it anymore. Yesterday, i did stupid things by asking her to come back but at the end, it really hurt me because she keep saying it is over. I really wan to work things out. N i know time will tell. I jus msg her good morning so that i can bring a smile back to her face. What should i do?

    • Sista Resista August 19, 2013 at 11:04 pm #

      Give each other some time and space. 2 days after a breakup is not enough time to clear your heads and decide what it is you both really want. If you do get back together, it must be mutual – one cannot force the other’s hand and expect it to work out. Resentment will grow if the relationship is imbalanced. If she truly does not want to be with you, you need to accept this, as hard as it may be. As you said, time will tell.

      In the meantime, be patient, honest, and kind to her and to yourself. This means don’t overwhelm her with texts/calls/wanting to see her! Loving her means allowing her the space she needs when she asks for it. What is best for you both will show itself eventually.

      Good luck,
      SoR

      • AppleSauceJelly86 September 6, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

        Do you think you can give me advice?

        I had been seeing a guy for a year now and he randomly texted me and said, “I don’t think we should see each other for a little while.” Of course I wanted clarification. Any human being in their right mind would want to know what that meant. I asked him several questions. Are you ending things with me or do you want a break, I’m confused? I told him to be direct with me. After sending 6 long texts messages over the course of 2 days that went from asking simple questions for clarification to anger and hurt, I just gave up. He literally ignored each and every one of them! I felt like a loser, like I did something wrong because I was harassing him. I felt like I should not have came across so needy or desperate. I felt like it was my fault for sending so many emotional text messages.

        Do you think I was wrong for texting him so much? Did I make a fool of myself? I’m usually a pretty calm person but this was so annoying and it made me angry. I think I probably scared him!

      • AppleSauceJelly86 September 6, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

        Do you think you can give me advice?

        I had been seeing a guy for a year now and he randomly texted me and said, “I don’t think we should see each other for a little while.” Of course I wanted clarification. Any human being in their right mind would want to know what that meant. I asked him several questions. Are you ending things with me or do you want a break, I’m confused? I told him to be direct with me. After sending 6 long texts messages over the course of 2 days that went from asking simple questions for clarification to anger and hurt, I just gave up. He literally ignored each and every one of them! I felt like a loser, like I did something wrong because I was harassing him. I felt like I should not have came across so needy or desperate. I felt like it was my fault for sending so many emotional text messages.

        Do you think I was wrong for texting him so much? Did I make a fool of myself? I’m usually a pretty calm person but this was so annoying and it made me angry. I think I probably scared him!

  30. Mary August 17, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    Is there anyone, who was in a situation, where you met some man, who invited you for a date, but you yet did not meet on that date, having through that time an electronic contact and after going on more personal issues by you he has stopped writing? My question is: if he is silent approximately one month, earlier was very interested in having a date with me and was behaving like a normal guy (he was not answering my messages selectively), are there yet any chances he may contact me again after some time and if so, how to behave then? Is here some woman, to who a man stopped writing, begun to write or call again after a period longer than one month and the story has finished by a happy end? Or otherwise: she gave him another chance and he again left her without any word?

    • Sista Resista August 19, 2013 at 11:01 pm #

      Our advice: don’t hold your breath. Especially not for a “happy ending.”

      If a man or anyone you are talking to/seeing doesn’t regularly respond to you in a timely and respectful manner, they do not respect or care about you. They are not worth it. Forget them, and move on. It is in your best interest to do so.

      Sincerely,
      SoR

  31. Sophie August 24, 2013 at 8:16 pm #

    Hello,

    It sounds as if lots of women have had some horrible times and certainly don’t deserve be treated like that.

    Here is my story. After a long term relationship with four children, and then a few short flings. I have been a single mum for a number of years, studying, working one, two or three jobs at a time trying to survive.

    Recently I have felt ready to date again but the the idea of having lots of emails/texts with someone every day feels a little a suffocating to me. I can look after myself and four children I don’t ever want to look after a man again as well. However I did want to meet someone. I met a man who is like me and said straight out that he couldn’t do ‘normal relationships’ as he has a very busy job (he works all over the world) and hobbies and older children who he sees but would like someone who is also independent in his life to see from time-to-time. So we seemed ideal.

    Although I am independent I was shocked at first when he didn’t always reply to my emails on the same day. We both don’t bother with texting, I go for days without even charging my phone, but not replying to the emails or instant messages (IM) to me just saying, ‘hi, how’s your day going?’ I found strange and rude. After a few months we got into a pattern of some lovely communication via IM or emails a couple of times a week with the odd bit of this cafeteria responding and seeing each other every few weeks. As I have got to like him sometimes I want to speak to him more than twice a week (four times a week would be ideal for me) and I was annoyed with this odd type of responding occasionally, I thought ‘who do you think you are?’ to not reply to me and ‘how dare he make me feel not worthy’.

    It made me think about my own sense of self and insecurities. Was I being too needy when actually he was actually very busy?, was I giving him enough time to miss me? I know how much men want to feel free and men like to feel that they are chasing women and by me keep emailing him first I wasn’t allowing him to do that. Also, was I somehow allowing him to do this sort of behaviour. So I changed, I didn’t nag, not once. I just stopped always emailing him or saying hi on IM first. Sometimes when I knew he was going to another country for a couple of weeks and I had a strong urge to see him before he went, instead of my usual almost begging request to see him I told him I was busy but I wished him a very safe journey and I hoped he didn’t get too bored in his hotel. Sometimes he may not email me for a week, ahhh it was so hard not to email him! When he did email me I didn’t nag him for not email me I acted as if I didn’t notice that he hadn’t emailed. I would get busy in between, phone a female friend, take the dog for a walk, play with the kids, started swimming. I am not sure that he changed immediately but now it seems that he emails me first more than the other way round. Sometimes I can see him on instant messenger in the evenings as if looking to speak to me and I stay invisible wanting to speak to him (that is where I am now!!!…..I can see him online, I want to say hello but I won’t). I don’t want to mess him about or play a game with him but as far as I am concerned he is training! He may have treated other women like this, but he isn’t treating me like it…..maybe I will lose him, but then if he can’t make the effort he isn’t good enough for me. Everyone has different time frames and maybe two or three emails a week and a date every few weeks isn’t enough for everyone, that works for my busy work/home life……but I think ladies, just try and hold back a bit, get busy with yourself and let him chase you a bit more. You are worth it.

  32. Becky September 4, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

    Told him I wanted to just be friends and never heard from him after – that was 2 months ago. Do I cave and text him?

    • Sista Resista September 4, 2013 at 9:42 pm #

      Definitely not. It shows he was only after one thing. You would not get meaningful friendship of any kind from this person. Stay strong!

  33. AppleSauceJelly86 September 6, 2013 at 5:07 pm #

    I’m happy that I read this article!!!!!

    I had been seeing a guy for a year now and he randomly texted me and said, “I don’t think we should see each other for a little while.” Of course I wanted clarification. Any human being in their right mind would want to know what that meant. I asked him several questions. Are you ending things with me or do you want a break, I’m confused? I told him to be direct with me. After sending 6 long texts messages over the course of 3 days that went from asking simple questions for clarification to anger and hurt, I just gave up. He literally ignored each and every one of them! I felt like a loser, like I did something wrong because I was harassing him. I felt like I should not have came across so needy or desperate. I felt like it was my fault for sending so many text messages. But now I realize that this was not my fault! He should have gave me a better answer. He could have been open with me. Yes, my texts might have been a lot but I think they were a normal response to someone who is ignoring you when you’re asking emotional questions.

    Thank you for this article!! It is not me, it is him and his decision to ignore me simply because he doesn’t want to deal with it! It’s sad that people think its ok to do that to someone. It truly is!

  34. Kayla K September 17, 2013 at 5:28 pm #

    My goodness its good to know im not the only one!

    I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for a while now, we started out texting all day everyday for the first 9-10 months. We would talk about anything and everything from clouds to physics, music, plans, jobs, etc. We sent pictures and made plans, we put aside time for each other and included each other in all plans.
    Even taking time to make random two hour trips just for an evening together.
    He talked about us moving in together and the future always with me being part of it.

    Then we decided since I got a job offer where he lives (we were two hours apart) that I come live with him.
    Well the move happened and work started (I work 11 hours a day, and between his two jobs he is working 13) everything was good about a week.

    Then suddenly the texts went to about 4 a day. He didnt say good morning when he woke up anymore… he wakes 4 hours after I go to work.
    He doesnt text or call between his two jobs like he used to during the two hour break…. even when I inquire about important tasks such as a bill or availability of a sitter.
    I have to end up calling him fuming because I know he’s ignoring my texts.
    The usual excuse is, im working, im busy, I didn’t get that text.
    This past weekend I observed him quietly on our weekend off. I see he is constantly on his phone between apps, surfing, gaming, and music. I know he hears every message and notification also.
    So after a monday of him not answering texts (I didnt text unless it was important such as bills dropped off and where is the cast iron pan he washed) I decided to delete his conversation and not text the rest of the week.
    When he got home last night I did tell him verbally I know he is always on his phone and ccan hear all message alerts because I observed that fact over the weekend so I know I’m being ignored…. I also said in a very firm and kinda angry tone that im tired of this sh**, either the communication changes or we need to figure a way to fix it.
    He had almost nothing to say other than work was busy and by the time he could text me back he knew I’d be asleep. then he groaned he was exhausted and fell asleep.

    How did I go from 9 months of a great relationship to feeling like im always the last thing on his mind?

    • Kathy March 8, 2014 at 12:10 pm #

      thats exactly what happened to me..after around 9-10 months of relationship from the sweetest most kindest loveliest man who treated me like the most important person in his life.. to like the most unimportant thingy in his life..without any reason..from one day to another..its a riddle to me still

  35. pandora 3534 October 19, 2013 at 11:46 am #

    I told my ex boyfriends girlfriend that he messed arond behind her bck w me and another girl he ws very angry and everyt he ph me I wouldn’t answer me when I snd him sms he ignores me or his guilty bt then he tells his girlfriend about it then he makes out I’m sms him continuously which is nt true and she believes everyt he says she’s so stupid and she’s a convienant and a rebound to him bcause his mother died a 1month 2wks ago and looked after his child I did the same for him

  36. rebecca October 30, 2013 at 11:29 pm #

    Im a36 yr old woman met a man, african man, which is 39 ,stays weekend telling me bout his undying love for me , goes and leaves sunday, then i text him quite few times. then dors the same thing all day and night monay so. on a tuesday i text him, i have ago at him he says im sorry baby, i said why ignore me his reply im studying. i reply why ignore me….. i have a very short fuse he says it wont happen again….. i give him the benefit of the doubt but on a wednesday he does it again….. so ive sent him horrid text messages i get this feeling he iswith someone else…. i have ended it but y on earth does a man who loves you still treats you like s*** and gets away with it….. wat posseses them to do it….but that is it im better off on my own cannot be dealing with emotional players. Guaranteed he will call me tomorrow patronizing me and expecting me to let him come here,,,,,, the love and everything goes

    • Sista Resista October 31, 2013 at 12:34 am #

      Sorry but that’s not love, it’s selfishness and lies. End it now before it goes any further. Good luck.

  37. paisy May 23, 2014 at 3:34 pm #

    dis ignorin messages by men is quiet disturbin am goin through same n wen u complain he seems to change for some few days n go back to it again.it is lyk dey find it not to be important or disturbin?

    • Sista Resista May 23, 2014 at 9:48 pm #

      Yes, if they do not reply, they usually do not care enough to treat you with respect! You don’t have to put up with it.

  38. susan jenkinson July 20, 2014 at 9:35 am #

    Yes men like to think they re in control of certain situations if we let them don’t bombard them with texts and calls ignore them and eventually they ll wonder why you haven’t they like to have their egos boosted

  39. susan jenkinson July 20, 2014 at 9:40 am #

    Had a one night stand and stupidly let myself fall for him even tho he told me he didn’t want a relationship he s ignored my texts and his phone is never on we always want to believe we can change the situation

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