It’s really difficult when you find out that the person you care about is cheating on you. The first thing to remember is that it is never your fault and you have done nothing to cause this. Men who cheat are taking advantage of their dominant role in society and availing of male privilege that enables them to cheat easily and without repercussion. However, we believe that if women can identify, avoid, and stop enabling this behaviour, men will have to change.
Anything anyone says could potentially be a lie; but based on our personal experiences and field research, we have compiled common LIES used by cheaters in the first of a 3-part series revealing the habits and behaviours of men who cheat. Part 2 is BEHAVIOUR PATTERNS & OTHER EVIDENCE, followed by the final part, PSYCHOLOGY.
How to Tell if Your Man is Cheating on You Part 1: LIES
We’ve noticed that cheaters generally use a combination of basic, one-liners, and elaborate lies involving multiple people and locations that may be difficult to comprehend or believe. However, lies generally fall under one or more of the following categories:
8. Exceptional Circumstance Lies
Note: We are aware of the fact that the use of the following phrases may not always be dishonest. However, we have irrefutable evidence that the real life examples below have been used in cases of infidelity. Remember: actions speak louder than words and the identification of lies is part of a process which should also include analysing other behaviours.
I had to do a few things
I’ve been busy
I had to pick something/someone up
Shit hit the fan
Madness, trust me.
You don’t know what I’ve been through
I had to sort something out
I had to leave town for the weekend
I’m looking after my children
I’m chillin with my cousins/bredrin/homies
I’m with my parents/grandparents for church/Sunday dinner
My friend needs some help /car broke down/is going through drama
I’m just at home writing/working
I’m in/going studio
I’m working late/really tired/busy at work
I’m going away for a trip/training course/weekend
My phone was off/on silent
I lost my phone/My phone broke
My battery died
My battery’s broke/The battery fell out my phone
I lost my SIM/My SIM card’s broke
I didn’t have/lost my charger/my charger’s broke
I’m out of minutes
I’m out of credit
I don’t keep my phone on me
I didn’t check/hear/see my messages/missed calls
I didn’t receive the message/missed call
I don’t do phones
I don’t like technology
Note: A Brother of Resistance once said to us, “Sistas, if any of these excuses were true, the streets of every city would be full of broken phones and lost SIM cards.” Laugh if you want. But he’s right.
We are not saying these are *always* lies; we are saying that they have been used frequently and in various combinations by men who were cheating. Men who cheat often tell women what they think we want to hear.
These may take place in daily texts, e-mails, FB messages, BBMs, or face-to-face contact. Warning: their frequency and/or intensity does not mean they are not lies.
You’re so beautiful/pretty/sexy/hot or creative/intelligent/special/exceptional (These are all true. You are these things otherwise he wouldn’t be saying them. But be cautious if he makes you feel like he’s the only person who thinks like this, and don’t rely on him for your self- esteem.)
Calls you babe/baby/bb/bbz/princess/gorgeous/darling/sugar/sweetness/queen etc
You’re on my mind
I’ve can’t stop thinking about u
I haven’t stopped thinking about you since I saw you
I dreamt about you/woke up thinking about you
I miss you
I hope this day brings you all you need and deserve
I want you to be my girlfriend, so I’m going to start being honest with you
I love you (but doesn’t show it)
This is the largest section of lies, because Lies About The Future cannot be disproven. However, in our experience, these are lies because they rarely ever come true, and are usually attempts to please or placate you so you believe future lies.
I’ll holla at you later/call you back (This is perhaps the most common lie. Ever.)
I’m gonna come see you soon (2nd most common lie.)
I’m going to take you out (for a meal/dance/rave/concert/cinema)
I’m going to pay you back
I want to move in/live with you
I want you to move in/live with me
I’m gonna take you on holiday
I’m going to take you to meet my mum/children/family
I want to marry you
I want you to have my kids
I want to run away with you
I want to spend my life with you
I never wanna be with anyone else
I’m going to start treating you how you deserve to be treated
You know you’re wifey material, I’m going to start treating you like it
I’m going to leave my girlfriend/wife for you
I want you in my life forever
I can’t imagine my life without you
I need you in my life
I need you — you can make me a better person
It should be noted that these are attempts to divide us as women and only work if we allow them to play us off against each other. We are stronger if we don’t let them.
Exceptionally skilled cheaters might appear to be slightly honest about their relationships with other women in their attempts to deceive you. Don’t fall for this either.
I talk to her/I see her sometimes but I don’t fuck her
We’re just friends (very common)
She’s my cousin/friend’s baby mum/work colleague
I was only talking to her to promote my music/because of work
She’s my ex, but I really like you (followed by any combination taken from the “Lies of Affection” and/or “Lies About the Future” section)
Me and my ex are my having problems/going through a rough time
Me and my girlfriend are growing apart
Me and my girlfriend always argue
She don’t understand me, you’re different/special
I think I’m gonna split up with her — she might not be my girlfriend/wife soon…
She came on to me first (This is a Lie Upon Being Found Out)
8. Exceptional Circumstance Lies
I’ve been tired/hung over/ill
My car broke down/had a car accident
I got lost/into beef/arrested
I fell off a motorbike and broke my phone (Also a Mobile Phone-Based Lie)
I got locked in a hotel room overnight and had to break the door down (WTF?!?)
As lying, cheating men are most desperate to maintain their lies upon having been found out, in this scenario, expect to see them use all of the above types of lies in combination. We have noticed a large overlap between Lies About Other Women and Lies About Being Found out. For example: “She’s lying cause she’s jealous” is a common example of both. Also, “My friend used my phone to send that text to his girl” is an example of a Mobile Phone-Based Lie, a Family/Friend-Based Lie and has also been used as a Lie Upon Being Found Out.
When you confront cheating men they may become angry and/or violent against you and others. They often try to blame you for their actions and have also been seen to go completely silent and refuse to answer any questions. These are all signs that they are lying. If they try to evade questions, change the subject or make you back down, they are cheating.
She’s lying cause she’s jealous
She’s lying cause she wants to take me away from you
She’s just a friend/cousin/friend’s girlfriend etc
My friend used my phone to send that message
My friend is cheating on his girlfriend and he did it
What did you expect me to do? You were too busy for me/always stressin me/on your feminist thing (or in any way tries to make it your fault. These are all LIES).
I wasn’t there/I don’t know her/I don’t know what you’re talking about (examples of outright denial)
It wasn’t me. I swear.
*************
We publish this in the hope that it will be useful to fellow women who are looking to avoid interactions with and/or remove cheaters from their lives. We will add to this list as we uncover more lies.
We invite you to add examples of lies from your own experience in the comments section below. Stay strong. Don’t believe the lies.
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Tags: activist tools, advice, affairs, anti-oppression, breaking up, cheat, cheating, divorce, excuses, exes, feminism, future, guidance, guide, language, lies, male-female dynamics, marriage, men, mistress, mobile phones, promises, relationships, research, sex, solidarity, tactics, techniques
Response to “Cheated-On Man” and similar:
Thank you for your comment. Unfortunately, at this time, we are not able to provide a forum for this line of debate on our blog. This is because our views are rarely heard, and we prefer to use our vital energy to create a space of resistance to patriarchy. We wholeheartedly refute your comment that we are being sexist, or as you say “derogatory towards men.” Your argument relies on a logical fallacy called tu quoque (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tu_quoque) which, in the context of patriarchy, is frankly ridiculous. We simply do not have the time to engage with you in a lengthy debate.
We write simply to acknowledge and respond to your comment. We will not be posting your reply.
Sisters of Resistance
Sorry, I was working late…..
We don’t understand the point in this comment… :/
Dear sistas,
congratulations on another great post which, like the previous ‘letter to male activists’, is clearly written right from the heart.
Two question that come to mind:
1) it’s clear from the nature of some of the lies and the language used to transcribe them that these are lies being told by a specific group of men in terms of attitude/social background. How far do you think this analysis extends to other backgrounds? Have the sistas or their friends experienced being cheated on by middle class (for want of a better word) guys? If so do they use the same lies?
2) where do lies such as “I’m going to leave my girlfriend/wife for you” position the sistas as far as cheating is concerned? If cheating is so hurtful shouldn’t we all try not to be the other party in a cheating relationship?
thanks for your response
Thanks again for your comment
1) We are sure that middle class men do use many of the same lies albeit like you say in a different vernacular. Work-based Lies and Mobile Phone-Based lies for instance are equally applicable to men of all classes (while Extenuating Circumstance Lies involving “beef” and police arrests etc are less so).
2) That particular example was taken from a sister of ours who is involved in said situation. We have never been in such a situation ourselves for the reasons you highlight. However, we stand in solidarity with sisters who have been manipulated and tricked in this way. We are not talking about men who were honest about their other relationship straight up. We are talking about men who fiend love and intimacy and then AFTER sex, after a relationship to which the sister has become emotionally and psychologically dependent has arisen, THEN the lying cheating man in question reveals this other relationship, which he claims he is unhappy in and is going to end soon, to be with the sister who he claims he really loves among other lies. We hope this has cleared up your questions?
P.S As one of the original Sisters of Resistance vistors and some one who commented when we had our old layout, how do you like the new blog design? We LOVE it!
as for the response to 1), I’m sure you’re right. Maybe in the interest of research you need to diversify the palette of men you have experience with..? you could think of it like affirmative action, but for middle class men
2) that is again sad but understandable. On a more general note, do you think that relationships even should be monogamous overall?
also yes, new design looks great! I have also switched layout of c0rin.com to make it more straightforward & accessible, it’s good policy I think.
Hi Corin,
Thanks for your comments. In response to your reply:
1. We celebrate diversity in more than just name, and are quite open to a variety of individuals as potential relationship partners. Neither race, religion, gender, class, sexuality or national origin need necessarily be an exclusionary factor; however, as you already know, a person’s politics is (RDAF available here: http://sistersofresistance.wordpress.com/2011/02/16/the-rdaf-revolutionary-dating-assessment-form/).
What we have found in our field research is that these kinds of identifying factors and accompanying demographic backgrounds have a strong tendency to influence the political viewpoints, or lack thereof, of our potential partners. This being the case, we have found ourselves more likely to meet on common ground with partners who are already aware of, or have experienced, some type of systemic oppression. If they have not, however, key to diversity in the partner palette would be the openness of a potential partner to discussing, learning, and being changed in a positive way by the understanding of these types of issues that we believe concern us all. If they come up affirmative in that area, then it’s possible they might see some action (when we are not practicing celibacy for sanity, that is)!
2. In regards to monogamy, the stance of the sistas is that the boundaries of committed romantic and intimate relationships between consenting adults (whether single, married, exclusive/monogamous, polyamorous, etc.) should not be defined by institutions such as the state, any mass media, the wedding industry, or, in the US, insurance corporations, the definitions of which no doubt have an influence on the way we view the subject and consequently the way we envisage our romantic lives.
Instead, I believe that commitment to a lover/partner is a deeply personal issue and as such its boundaries can and should only be decided between the persons involved. To answer your question more directly, if people choose to be exclusive with one another in a monogamous relationship, then it’s not up to me or anybody else to approve or disapprove of their chosen form of commitment. But in my experience and the lives of those around me I have observed innumerable instances of monogamy’s failure as a model. Perhaps this is due in part to the stringent boundaries and expectations that come along with it, from sexual exclusivity and jealousy to long-term relationships leading to marriage and children, a patriarchal nuclear family, etc. High rates of infidelity throughout the history of monogamy and rising rates of divorce in places where it is legal may even be testament to the model’s failure.
As an alternative, I believe the polyamorous lifestyle, from my understanding, is by nature a more fluid model that better takes into account the wide spectrum of human sexuality, desire and circumstance, all the while challenging what I see as the deeply flawed monogamist notions that love is a limited resource and that an individual can and should serve to satisfy all of another’s emotional/sexual/relationship needs. With polyamory, multiple simultaneous long-term commitments are possible, and thus, the very nature of the commitment is a reminder that love is a constant practice, whereas with the normalised nature of monogamy, this may not be the case. I embrace the idea put forth by the polyamorous community that there exists a kind of opposite to the emotion of jealousy, called compersion, or the idea that your lover’s lover enhances your lover’s life rather than draws away from yours. Also, for those who would say “But what about the children?” I would respond that in a polyamorous partnership, the trust network can extends beyond the biological parents, which may enable larger and perhaps more stable familial structures. For a deeper intro to polyamory, check out The Ethical Slut book and Wiki article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ethical_Slut). We will be adding this to the resources page soon, along with a lot of other stuff on sexuality that’s still missing.
NOTE: I would like to highlight that the concept of polyamory, like monogamy, still currently exists in a highly sexist, patriarchal context. Because of this, it can and has been easily co-opted to give straight men further license to womanise/sleep with/”commit” to as many women as possible. I would like to state for the record that this type of appropriation is neither being condoned nor promoted in the above discussion of a polyamorous lifestyle. Honesty, openness, commitment and trust are major components of a polyamorous lifestyle. Also, polyamory is NOT, I repeat NOT, polygamy (big difference).
A final thought: a bit more evidence, if you like, that polyamory is a revolutionary notion, is that it keeps coming up on this post as misspelled. The word simply doesn’t exist in the WordPress app dictionary. I honestly love it when they don’t know what to do when they can’t box us in. Even more reason that a Sisters of Resistance Glossary is in the works and soon to come.
With Limitless Love,
A Sista Resista
This post was the subject of a discussion on FB which was so interesting and thought provoking we thought it would be worth sharing here:
‘Honest’ Man: you know the thing that gets me about the valid lies uve pointed out, is that wen a decent man uses 1 or more of these lines an its the truth, fool fool bwoys have used them 2 decieve an kanive, which has now tainted the womens mind….making her suspicious of the decent geeza lol……pisses me off, coz now the decent guy has 2 work hard 2b believed thru no fault of his or the women involved!! PUNKS!!
Sista Resista: and the women have to work hard to determine who’s a liar and who’s a decent guy!! i think we must also consider the frequency and ease with which these lies are developed and used…especially the weird ones, which can often point to suspicious behaviour.
‘Honest’ Man: 2 true, with u 100%. it may have sounded like i was saying ‘poor decent guy’ an was 2 apoint lol, im a victim of the fool fool bwoys of the world lol but really its like u say harder 4 the women 2 differentiate between crafted lies an honesty out the mouth of a guy.
can’t take most of what is said at face value, no matter how sweet it might be. a hard lesson to learn! but over and over, learn it we do.
Sista Resista: imo it is all about actions and making sure they match up with the words
‘Honest’ Man: true again, its sad that we’ve got 2 the point were sweet nice words, compliments, an sometimes even honesty is viewed with tainted glasses! how did the fools of the world get so much power over the hearts of the genuine? we have 2 learn it an learn it well, an b vulnerable, 2 get the rewards of love!
Sista Resista: I would like to think that genuine people would say things that are more original than what is in the list of lies, but not as far fetched as the exceptional circumstances. like specific compliments rather than just “hey sexy” or an explanation of the circumstances surrounding your absence rather than just a vague “i had a few things to do.” of course i understand this may not always be the case, but it would help a lot with the task of having to distinguish the real from the fake.
‘Honest’ Man: always helps the truth 2 b believed if the truth teller is transparent. these guy have got 2 stop with the smoke an mirrors act their not david copperfield hahaha or any government round the world lol
Important Addition to How to Tell if your Man is Cheating:
It has been brought to our attention that General Non-specific Lies, Extenuating Circumstance Lies and some of the other Lies appear to target a specific type of man from a particular social, economic or ethnic background. We would like to therefore remind our readers that Sisters of Resistance is an anti-imperialist, anti-racist blog.
Not only do we wholeheartedly reject the racist stereotyping of majority world men, men of the African diaspora, Arab, Asian, Latino and indigenous men, we also hope, through the course of this blog, to actively undermine it.
Please see http://sistersofresistance.wordpress.com/resources/ Part 2 Black Liberation/ Anti-racism and part 3 Anti-imperialism/Free Palestine for more information.
We would therefore like to reiterate that we believe that all men can cheat, and that white men are just as likely (if not more due to their racially as well as sexually privileged position in society) to be unfaithful.
Additionally, we are aware that the title “How to Tell if Your Man Is Cheating” may appear to oversimplify matters in the manner of many women’s magazines. This was intentional, as we know that this title is compelling for a variety of reasons, and we wanted reach the widest demographic possible with a more radically content-rich article than any that could be found in a typical women’s mag. You clicked on it, didn’t you?
Hope this helps to clear up any misunderstandings,
Sisters of Resistance
My boyfriend is cheating on me
The condom was to avoid me from cuming all over . “It wasn’t on no other girl”
That’s so messed up! Thank you for your comment will add it soon.
I was seeing a male who argues when ever u ask him a question says he has too much on he’s mind calls me a nobody child swears all in txt cause he couldnt tell me to my face that for the last 6 mth he as been seeing some 1 else
Yea sounds like he’s the nobody, not you! Hope he’s gone for good…Stay strong!
I been in a relationship for 20yrs. I’m not beliving nothing any man said.
Thanks for your comments. With our experience, we think that’s a good general standpoint.
All the best
Sista Resista
All men lies. Fuck them.
My name is jane,my boyfriend said that the affection he has for me is lust after nine years of courtship.although he didn’t sleep with me,but he do romance me.now he said we should go our seprate ways.but i stil love him .and now he has another girl friend .what should i do?am confuse.
What about the famous line ” you’re being insecure.” I hate that one!